The Politico is offering its audience of congressional pages and lobbyist interns a handy list of ways to get the ear of the blogosphere. While their tips are directed at those who want to make contact with political bloggers, many of them can be applied to those who blog about things like, say, media and celebrity gossip. And cats. And cheezborgahs. We've taken their suggestions and adapted them to let you know how to get your whatever placed right here.

1. Bloggers cover stories that interest them, not all the news that's fit to print.
Guess what, we don't care about Darfur! I mean, sure, we care in the sense that human suffering on a mass scale is a terrible thing to have to hear about at dinner parties, but if it's not about vagina pictures or poetesses like Meghan O'Rourke (or, ideally, a combination thereof), we can't do anything with it. It's great that you want to save the environment and everything, but our Joel Stein jokes aren't going to write themselves, unlike Joel's. Just send us the stuff we can use.

2. Bloggers are lone individuals with limited amounts of time rather than large institutions with a space quota to fill.
This is decidedly not the case for us. Sure, we're lone individuals (for good antisocial reason), but we have MASSIVE quotas. We need whatever we can get. Except crap about Darfur or the environment that isn't about lady-flowers.


3. Bloggers write about topics in their areas of interest from a particular point of view.
Absolutely. Here's a handy guide to who is interested in what and how they'll write it. Emily likes stuff about how the ladies are oppressed by the patriarchy. Also feline friends. She will write with strident wit. Doree is interested in media shenanigans and anything that makes kids at Columbia look stupid. She will drill down. Josh is all about restaurants and real estate. He will use many words which you will have to look up in the dictionary, and might have sex with your girlfriend. Balk tosses off whatever falls out of his brain, often without regard to spelling or logical conclusions. He is also interested in finding a new job, one that involves getting or dispensing alcohol. Choire is a master at examining the intersection of class and culture in New York. Expect many exclamation marks. Also at this point, he will basically do anything to get with any kind of man. Particularly one with a big neck and a beard, maybe a little bit dumpy, 38-44, under 240 pounds, tall is good but short works, preferably with a six-figure salary. He is both desperate and serious.

4. Bloggers need material for posts rather than quotes from both sides.
Yep. We don't even give a shit if it doesn't even have one side!


5. Consider giving exclusives, especially to more prominent bloggers.
Again, yes. Who's more prominent than us? Maybe the panda chick from Gothamist. Or 874 other weblogs. Even so, we love exclusives. They make our owner happy, which keeps him off our backs for a little while. (Ten or so minutes, but you have no idea how valuable, and soothing, those ten minutes are. It's like right after you put the lotion on but before you put it back in the basket.) Also, we are total whores for exclusives. We will so quid whatever your quo is.

6. Bloggers aren't party operatives.
This is true on across the board. Don't assume that because we've said something nice about you once we'll always follow your lead. We make our own decisions and call things as we see them. Unless you've got an exclusive, in which case we'll say whatever you want, and trash our mothers in the process.

7. Less is more.
Right. Guess what happens the third time we hear about your amazing product/brilliant blog/penis-erecting pill in a single day? It goes into the trash folder alongside all the e-mails from Choire telling us "PLEASE TO USE, PROPER PUNCTUATION, YOU COMMA, SPLICERS." Sure, sometimes we forget about things, but if you've e-mailed us something five times in two hours and we haven't done anything about it, there's a reason: We don't give a shit. And you're pissing us off.

Simple enough, right? Keep those cards and letters coming! And those sweet exclusives. Our goal is to get to the point where we don't have to produce an original material at all, except all of your original material, of course. Won't you help us make that dream a reality?

Netiquette: How to befriend a blogger [The Politico]