As if you needed more proof that the weekend media scene, such as it exists, is run by oedipally challenged vulgarians, we present the above close-up of the Journal's Personal Finance section front page. Yes, talk to Mom about the Street in a language she'll understand—the language of mammaries!

This week's Whistler mash-up notwithstanding, it turns out that "Abreast of the Market" is a regular column meant, in 'WSJ' patois, for investors who wonder, "Why is the market gyrating?" It is written by Karen Talley. She's a lady. But don't despair! To the right, a familiar, and far more wholesome, image for your Mother's Day festivities.