Milk, Our Greatest Enemy, Needs P.R. HelpS

The Dairy Council is a lot like Opus Dei: a secretive religious organization that has a complicated relationship with breasts and their products. But the council, unlike Opus Dei, was recently dealt a severe blow: They may no longer promote milk-drinking as a weight loss technique. Of course, three servings of milk a day doesn't necessarily make you fatter. Any Kaplan teacher can tell you the Dairy Council evidently hasn't learned the flip-it and reverse-it rule of contrapositives. So what can the Dairy Council say that's true and also makes you crave the frothy white udder-stuff?

Help the embattled milk pimps find their next slogan, based on recent (Dairy Council-sponsored!) research, and also Wikipedia, Lacan and the way I feel after I drink milk.

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—Josh