It's Day Four of the upfronts, that special mid-May week during which network executives lure advertisers to fancy venues, use elaborate presentations about their Fall programming to trick the media buyers into believing that spending their money on unproven shows is any less risky than letting their entire budgets ride on a single roulette-wheel number, and then retire to after-parties to toast their mutual delusions with free booze. Today, Fox wraps up the festivities with the announcement of their slate of new shows, coyly refusing for a fifth straight year to abandon their largely useless development process and switch to a year-round, all-American Idol format.
They did, however, go heavy on reality for the Fall, hoping that series like Idol-spin off The Search for the Next Great American Band, Hell's Kitchen spin-off Kitchen Nightmares, and Nashville (hot people trying to make it in country music, we think) can help stave off ratings Armageddon (especially if those pesky writers wind up going on strike) until the Nielsen Death Star arrives in January to eradicate their primetime competition. Also: There will be more Are You Dumber Than A Fifth Grader, Tough Guy? Thank you, Peter Liguori. Our lives would feel empty without watching allegedly college-educated people squinting their eyes so tightly in concentration that blood trickles down their faces while they try to call to mind the number of sides on an isosceles triangle.
The full schedules, spanning the Fall, January, and Spring seasons (remember, they're redefining the programming paradigm! Or something.) follows, presented in ALL CAPS [via ">THR]