If the name Coley Laffoon means nothing to you, that's probably because you've not been breathlessly following the developments in the ongoing kook parade that is Anne Heche's life. Laffoon was the cameraman that turned Heche off lesbian comic dance-Nazis and brought her back into the hetero fold. Five years and one child later, Laffoon is now filing for divorce, and dragging with him all of Heche's dark, tinfoil-hat-wearing secrets as they battle over custody of their five-year-old son, Homer:
Coley Laffoon is asking a judge for joint custody of the couple's 5-year-old son Homer, but claims that Anne's "bizarre and delusional behavior" and "poor parenting skills" could be a problem. In the papers, Laffoon claims that Anne once didn't put Homer in a car seat, she often cusses in front of the child, and packed school lunches that Homer "did not like." Laffoon added that his prior experience as a nanny and a summer camp counselor justify giving him joint custody.
Laffoon is also asking for $33,000 a month in spousal support, even though he claims he only made $6,000 a year as a videographer, before the two were married. According to the documents, Heche makes $81,000 an episode for her role in "Men In Trees."
While unhinged meal preparation alone might not be enough to throw one's parenting skills into question—although there's really few things more scarring for a first grader than to open a TMNT lunchbox and find some freshly cleaned roadkill and a Thermos full of cat urine inside—Heche's long history of well-documented mental illness could only serve to bolster Laffoon's case. It's a sad affair from which emerge no winners, and precisely the kind of thing for which an afternoon spent loading up on complimentary crap at an upfronts swag suite provides some temporary, designer-freebie-induced comfort.