Circles Of Commenter Hell

Each week, thousands of reader comments are rejected by our sharp-eyed hall monitor Intern Kaila. In this installment of Mold Star Motel, Kaila, who is clearly on the drugs, discovers that there is a very special place in comments hell reserved for each and every author of the (rejected!) thoughts posted below. From which of Dante's divinely comedic circles will they finally be getting the "approved" stamp?

First Circle: Limbo.
Punishment: Already in purgatory

Re: Revenge of the Park Slope Stroller Moms
Im a nanny in park slope and i have lots of inside scoops about those bitch mommies and their bratty fucking kids


Second Circle: The Lustful.
Punishment: To be blown by violent storms and nothing else

Re: Meet Twone
behold homigized aesthetic that the gawker commentors subscribe to! some of us like a man a bit 'gully', no afraid of self defining comments like 'no-homo' and look for a strong chest to rest our head on.

it's called masculinity people. get some!!


Third Circle: The Gluttonous.
Punishment: Forced to lie in mud, freezing rain, surrounded by parasites and gossipers; made to eat own excrement

Re: Perez Hilton Makes Us Hate Ourselves
wow kay so i've never even heard of this site it's for what manhatten yeah you guys are cool[not] first of all at least Perez actually has a site people talk about has this site been featured on E!? do you hang out with paris hilton? nope didn't think so so shut your fucking mouths perez is def. a lot better than any of you fucking people on this pathetic site and at least he's original and creative unlike any of you.
Kisses,
[redacted]
<<<3


Fourth Circle: The Avaricious and Prodigals.
Punishment: To constantly push and strain at enormous weights to no avail; to have that weight be Jerry Falwell's sweaty naked body

Re: Preppie Underground Railroad Reaches Soho
whatever. i wear pink shirts. pussy pink. it attracts cougars and repels loser computer nerd fags like the rest of you commenters. collars pop, panties drop. and i make more money than you too.


Fifth Circle: The Wrathful and the Sullen.
Punishment: Squabbles for eternity, emersion in foul murky Upstate waters

Re: 'The Economist' to New York City: "You Are Neither Special Nor Good"
I guess it has never occurred to you or some of your readers that the vast majority of people in the US don't care about New York, don't want to visit New York, and certainly don't want to live in New York. The people who live in Houston I am sure are much happier to be there than in NYC.

The difference between New York and all other large cities is that New York is the only place in the world that, out of sheer insecurity and self-doubt, has to constantly jump up and down screaming 'Hey! We're The Best! Really!! We Are!'

Meanwhile, the rest of the world's large cities sit back and laugh.


Sixth Circle: The Heretics.
Punishment: Sealed into tombs of fire, never gaining privilege to be flamed

Re: Harvard Screener Beat Down By Overachievers
Are you joking me? I need to be "approved" to comment? What tools. You're no better than the ivy league pricks that you mock. Hipster bullshit.


Eighth Circle: Fraud. Subdivided fraudulent pits therein, sort of like Williamsburg
[Panderers and Seducers] To be liberally gouged by pointy demon horns
Re: The 'Sex And The City'-Inspired Greeting Card Business Rocks!
the cards are creative, inspiring, and so much fun! maybe you should all take a look before judging and give a young person a little credit for being brave enough to start her own business. Also, maybe you should post about the subject without being vulgar losers. You all need to take some tips from this Sophie.

[Flatterers] Full of shit in life, buried in it in death
Re: Windy City Wuss Picks Fight Over Falwell Grave-Dancing
WTF Gawker! Screw Roeper and Falwell, but don't bring the Big Shoulders down with them. And pray do tell what "environs of Chicago" you soulless fake-New Yorkers came from. Maybe if you go out of the boondocks once in a while you would have had the balls to stay.

[Diviners, Magicians, False Prophets] Heads to be turned ass-backwards, Exorcist-style
Re: Burn Babies In Park Slope Starbucks!
Ho hum. The Pavlovian rabid-dog reponse to the words Park Slope is so, so tired.

It could have been: "Our nanny pistol-whipped our baby in a Starbucks and shot the manager" and someone would respond, "Oh, boo-fucking-hoo. That's what happens when you don't spend time with your kid."

Please. Those parents are raising the people who will pay your (piddling) Social Security.

[Hypocrites] Suit of lead with gold trimming; perpetually last-season
Re: Jared And Ivanka Lock Lips In Bowling Alley
Jared Kushners grandparents were survivors of the Shoah. His parents are major supporters of Torah education and Orthodox social welfare organizations. Where did they all go wrong here?

Education isd useless when you flush everything you are taught out the window for the sake of what...money and power. How sad.


[Fraudulent Counselors] Flame on! Your body, that is
Re: Jerry Falwell Finally Dead By God's Hand
God is the final judge and nobody has the right to judge other human beings with scrupilous comments whatever that men did that look like evil.For some people may do wrong, but GOD in his mercy may save him for oue GOD is a good GOD.I pray for Rev. Falwell's family and all his surroundings.May the LORD grant them peace like never before , may He pour out his blessings upon them in JESUS'S NAME.


[Sowers of Discord and Schism] To be torn into tiny, bite-sized pieces
Re: Burn Babies In Park Slope Starbucks!
Watch "Babel." That's what happens when you invite the third world into your first-world hime.

Re: Windy City Wuss Picks Fight Over Falwell Grave-Dancing
Hmmm.. how interesting that gawker.. a hack gossip blog about new york's wannabes can possbily talk shit about Chicago. I wonder why the number of people moving into New York is lower then the number leaving! Actually, I don't, what kind of city throws its garbage on the sheets... fucking nasty and let's not talk about the people.. the only people staying are pitiful bloggers, wannabe models, drug dealers, rap stars and whores.. sorry.. I mean the party elite! If Chicago sucks, then new york must swallow.


[Falsifiers of Words and Deeds; Impersonators] To be held in a room and afflicted with actual deformities, verifiable diseases
Re: Katherine Taylor Doesn't Work Pink
To imply that Katherine's work should be dismissed because she's lived a privileged life is akin to dismissing Van Hagar as so much fluff 'cuz Van Halen was, you know, really deep.

I just read Heiress of Swan Lake, and it had a sense of irony and sincerity, such that I actually floated through that story — and it really did capture the Manhattan experience that everyone's portioned, not just the obscenely blessed.

So yes, she's gorgeous, maybe rich (how the hell would I know), and for sure great rack (that one I do know)...but to take her writing at face value, I'd say she's highly talented, her honesty is of the kind that lays some painful foibles bare, and if there's anything more to say, I'd bet she's making it on her own grit. High praise.


Ninth Circle: Treachery.
Punishment: Bodies twisted into inconceivable positions; made to eternally satisfy the Devil's oral fixation; shared breathing space in Satan's mouth next to Falwell's fatally obstructed bowel

Re: Why People Hate Meghan O'Rourke
Judas!

Ding ding ding! That's actually the right answer, according to Dante. Thanks for playing!

[Seriously, Kaila, get help. We all support you. You can beat this thing. -Ed.]

Previously: Emily, May I Please Have This Dance?