Sun Rises, Sun Sets, Dumb Sequel Breaks Record

The Second Horseman of the Blockbuster Sequel Apocalypse is now galloping through your local multiplex, so dive behind the candy counter and pray he harvests the souls of that bickering family of four in line behind you. Your weekened box office numbers:

1. Shrek the Third—$122 million
Congratulations, America: You've given Shrek the Third the all-time biggest opening weekend for an animated movie (displacing the last Shrek movie, of course) and the third-biggest weekend ever for films about spider-themed superheroes, ambisexual pirates, or computer-generated giants with puzzling Scottish accents. Well done! We once mused about moviegoers being mercilessly penetrated again and again by the insatiable monster's engorged green member, but this time around it seems more like defeated parents are grudgingly lining up to give a back-of-the-theater handjob to the bored ogre in exchange for 93 minutes of not having to entertain their children.

2. Spider-Man 3-$28.5 million
Meanwhile, with box office nemesis Shrek not fully launched internationally, Spidey pulls in another $49.6 million overseas, raising its international gross to (get ready, it's gonna be a big one) $465 million. We won't even list the overall worldwide figure for fear you will faint dead away at your desk.

3. 28 Weeks Later—$5.150 million
"Hold on a for a hell of a ride!" exclaims Rolling Stone pullquote-whore Peter Travers, in a one-sheet-ready turn of phrase that virtually guarantees we won't see this movie until it hits Netflix.

4. Disturbia—$3.675 million
This week's Get To Know Your Former Biggest Movie Star in America Fun Fact: Shia celebrates both Christmas and Hanukkah! Truly, this is a burgeoning matinee idol who can unite moviegoers of all faiths.

5. Georgia Rule—$3.493 million
By the end of May, the studio should finally make back the money it lost from production delays related to Lindsay Lohan's various battles with dehydration and exhaustion.