Keith Richards And Kin Brave L.A.'s Bloodthirsty Paparazzi Pirates

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In today's episode: Keith Richards; Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin; Victoria Beckham; Taye Diggs; Tyson Beckford and Michael Rosenbaum; A.J. McLean; Ryan Gosling; Billy Crudup; Gabriel Byrne, Justin Long and Adam Carolla; Tracy Morgan; Donald Sutherland; Rob Schneider; Adam Goldberg; David Boreanaz; Tom Welling; Ed Helms and Mindy Kaling; Harry Hamlin; Ethan Suplee; Nathan Fillion; Eric McCormack; David Katzenberg and Nicky and Kathy Hilton; Rafael Sbarge; Embeth Davidtz and Jai Rodriguez.

· With an army of Paparazzi already in place by 8:15, I knew Friday wasn't going to be a quiet night at Il Sole. Would it be Drew and Cammie? Jen or Courtney? As soon as I entered the dining room, it was clear that it would be way better than that. Keith Richards! With the wifey, the daughters, the boyfriends, all sharing wine and loud conversation around the 8-topper in the main dining room. Keith was clearly in town for the Pirates premiere and he looked the part: eye-liner, the hats and scarves, hair and even the ironic-cool, John Waters meets John Holmes hipster mustache that all the kids are wearing. The wife looked amazing, better even then the daughters. Better still, the guy had two security/assistants eating on the patio, mostly so Keith could switch spots with them every 20 minutes and smoke. Atone point, the 'razzi were swarming so badly that the management tried to hang black tablecloths in the windows. Keith just waved them off with an"Awww, fuck 'em, fuck 'em all..." and stayed planted in his seat smoking anddrinking red wine. The night ended with a quick slip out the back while security created the impression of a false exit out the front. Somehow my $55 Lobster pasta special (why did they raise it $20 when it went from a menu item to a special?) went down that much easier with Keith in the house.

· My girl was in town this weekend, and needless to say she needs to come out more often:

5/16: Coffee Bean at Sunset and Fairfax, AJ McLean looking all sorts of hot.

5/18: Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham at Kitson...had to do the touristy thing. We were practically held hostage in Lisa Klein when she popped in there as well.

5/19: Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin outside of Katsuya in Brentwood. Also saw Taye Diggs inside. Tyson Beckford and Michael Rosenbaum at Area.

· Sunday 5/20 at the Greek for Chris Isaak and Stevie Nicks- none other than Ryan Gosling, hanging with the hoi polloi and ordering French fries like a regular dude. Looked pretty much like you'd expect, tall, thin, scruffy, wearing jeans and some sort of tweedy blazer. Goes without saying he was hot as sin. While waiting in line, numerous fans greeted him and asked for pictures. He was extremely nice and obliging to all of them, while still seeming like a regular guy. Didn't think I could be more impressed with him than I already am, but he really brought it home. Later, Michael Rosenbaum emerging for (hopefully) another season of crazy-dancing antics to classic rock acts (last summer I Privacywatched the hell out of him for his Superfan body movings at Chicago/Huey Lewis). Didn't see him dance, but the man full-on accosted me at the Hospitality Table and scarfed a piece of quiche from my plate. Wanted to challenge him to a dance off, but think it will have to wait for his inevitable breakdown at the Chicago/America show in July.

· friday morning, may 18th. weho target strikes again - billy crudup pushing a cart, looking unwashed and sexy. we made eye contact and he peered right into my soul. then he went to look at lightbulbs.

· 5/19 - While having dinner around 7:30pm inside the Arclight Cafe, Gabriel Byrne was dining on the patio with a gentleman and a young lady at the outside patio. No one seemed to pay attention to him but you can hear whispers inside the cafe. While inside the cafe, everyone's favorite Mac/Apple guy, Justin Long, dining with a very attractive girl wearing a short black skirt in one of the booths. Then had Adam Carolla walk by me on his way to the restrooms after the 8:05pm Fracture showing.

· saw tracy morgan at Yamato in encino on may 18th around 9 pm. he and his entourage were in the teppan grill area. it was one of his friend's birthday and he had all the waiters singing Happy Birthday for his friend. the whole time he had his hand in the air pointing to his friend so everyone knew who it was for. we were sitting at the grill next to his so i noticed that he picked up the bill for his 4 friends at the end of the night. otherwise they were all cool. i didn't notice any drinking going on at all. kinda suprising.

· Saw Donald Sutherland having dinner at the Jonathan Club in Santa Monica on Saturday night. It looked like he was with family members - although Kiefer was not there. Donald even enjoyed some dessert of ice cream and cheesecake.

· Saturday 5/19 ..... Rob Schneider was at LACMA (Los Angeles County Museum of Art). He was wearing a casual dark suit and large sunglasses - he actually looked really cute. He was with a woman with blond straight hair, and I did not recognize her. They were coming out of the Modern West exhibit in the Hammer building, just as I was going to the ticket counter to pick up my free ticket (LACMA is free after 5pm!). I got out of line and double-backed to go look at him again and make sure it was him... They headed off towards the Ahmanson Building... and I did not see them again as I walked around the museum ....they must have left just as I arrived.

· Saw the Hebrew Hammer, Adam Goldberg, at Room Service Saturday May 19th, perusing the modern wares on the second floor (the sale floor). He was doing some fierce, furrowed-brow calculations in his head as he stared intently at the furniture. It's a chair! You sit in it! What's with all the soul searching?

· Sunday May 20th, JFK to LAX American Airlines flight, 5 pm (but we were seriously delayed, so it was more like 7 pm). As I drunkenly slogged my way through first class to my cattle car coach seat (I can be forgiven for being drunk, review previous mention of delay - spent in the airport bar), I spied DAVID BOREANAZ. I know he's on "Bones" now but he'll forever be Angel to me! He was rocking the hotness in grey sweats, a t-shirt, and a green shirt over that. He seemed jittery and nervous, maybe a nervous flier? I am too, he should have joined me in the airport bar! David seemed to be flying solo, confirmed later when I saw him at baggage claim (now sporting a newsboy cap), collecting his own luggage, all by his lonesome. No one besides me seemed to recognize him. Or maybe it was just late Sunday night and everyone at the airport just wanted to get home!

· Last Friday, spotted Superman at Samy's Camera on Fairfax. Tom Welling, dressed like an A&F model was in the video department with a girl yelling "Tom".

· 05-20-07 2 am - At the 101 Coffee Shop I saw both Ed Helms (Andy Bernard) and Mindy Kaling (Kelly Kapur) of The Office. They were there separately and I do not believe they even saw each other. Mindy left when Ed got there. Ed was there by himself for a while, looking low key in a short sleeve button up and a baseball hat, he kept checking his Treo and eventually two friends showed up. He was very nice to a few people who recognized him.

· Standing in line at the mini Sherman Oaks mall location of the Apple Store yesterday (5/18) when I noticed incredibly toned, tanned and coiffed Harry Hamlin ahead of me. Noticed I noticed before I glanced away as if I hadn't. Am I just taller than I think I am or is 5'7" the new 5'11"?

· Sunday, May 20, 2 pm(ish): Ethan Suplee coming down the escalator with, presumably, wife at the Studio City DSW; 30 minutes later and 50 yards away, Nathan Fillion at the Pinkberry.

· For those of you either poor enough to live in the Valley, or desperate enough to drive over the hill for something delicious, there is this insanely good Indian restaurant on the corner of Ventura and Stern. Know who else likes it? Eric McCormack. Actually, I don't REALLY know if he likes it because I only saw his wife exiting. Actually, she may have been exiting the gross 7-11 next to it, but I don't have a back-story on that 7-11, so I'm sticking to the Indian thing. Anyhow, Eric was sitting in the driver's seat, somewhat slumped and frowny, in his MASSIVE Mercedes. Here's the point: his wife was a bonafide hag. A hag complete with feathered, root-ridden hair and wearing one of those I'm-middle-aged- now-and-don't-even-have-to-try- plus-I'm-married-to-someone -super-wealthy-and-I'll-get-half-his-shit kind of bag-dresses from Chico's. With a huge pattern. And garish colors. And Eric looked amazingly bored and rubbed his temples furiously as if to say "Damn you, Debra Messing! You have a fabulous looking Lifetime mini series with an adorable title and huge posters featuring your wild, red mane and toothy smile and I'm sitting at the seven freaking eleven with my hound dog of a wife who simply HAD to stop and grab a Slurpie and a Hostess cupcake!"
Oh, Will—show a little grace...

· Hey, Saw Tommy Lee at Blowfish Sushi on Sunset during (make your own Maki) Happy Hour last week . They were drinking mostly beers and dressed casual - t-shirt, jeans. He was with a group of four guys rolling his own....

· 5/20 - Crossing Beverly heading toward the Farm on Sunday, I first spotted mogul spawn du jour David Katzenberg and then his lunch companions... Nicky and Kathy Hilton! The trio looked somewhat somber, understandably, and David appeared gentlemanly and affectionate (a.k.a. his hand was glued to Nicky's bum).

· Is Rafael Sbarge a Buddha in disguise?

Thursday (5/17) 10 am-ish, Silverlake TJ's. Cranky, in post-insomnia coma, I find I'm navigating two major obstacles to get to the strawberries. One, the re-rearranged aisles—beer no longer opposite shampoo, but adjacent. Hello? Two, the Obnoxo Moms blocking access to the shelves with their shopping cart/giant purse combos, jabbering high-deci on their cells (beeyatch, I don't want to hear what well, she goes and then omigod, he goes, ok?), oblivious to their melting-down offspring and the rest of us. I'm about to redline and accidentally (oops! SO sorry) crash into one to get her to move out of my way already, when out of this unbearable chaos emerges a poised dad quietly piloting his cart and adorably curly-locked kid of indeterminate gender. It's RAFAEL SBARGE (thanks IMDB), of pale face and googly eyes, fine interpreter of creepy-spineless-pervo-dude tv roles. Exuding such calm and so much gentle that it instantly blankets me with quiet and realigns my chakras. Is he a Buddha? Or, just very-well sedated? How can someone that creepy-looking (and, sorry Rafael, repulsive too) have such a strong soothing effect? Beyond that, he was ordinary in a clean-scruffy way (jeans, running shoes, flak-ish jacket), and his kid's motorcycle buckle boot added a slight edge to its angelic curls. Normal seeming dad, no "look at me while I pretend I don't care if you don't recognize me" crap, not even the "I'm so hip I moved to The East Side, like, last week" vibe. Loading both tofu and ground beef, polite, attentive to his child. Sorry. No sunglasses, no baseball cap, no drama, not even on my part.

· Saturday at the farm at the grove Embeth Davidtz (she is so beautiful no make up) was having lunch with her daughter after what looked like a big trip to American Girl........i was lunching with my mom hoping for a big trip to barneys co-op (a grown american girl place)............

· Today 5/21 at the Gelsons in WeHo:

Chatting on a cellphone standing between me and the Deli counter (usually this means risking death, but today I ate lunch): Queer Eye's Jai Rodriguez. Surprisingly tall; he must be about 5'9". Cute too.

Dies this mean that Kyan and Carson are like, 6'2"? Hmmmmm.