Will "Red Eye," the Fox News' over-the-counter late-night sleep aid, be a success?
"Absolutely. But because the show is so loose, and because we have such a media-watchdog culture—they could get burned like that. Two words: Don. Imus. You don't know what's going to piss people off. And, my God, the shit that we get into—the sex, the bestiality—holy crap! I can't believe that shit is on Fox News!"
- The pressures of his job have caused Greg to gain weight, drink more, and smoke more. [Us too!]
- "The one thing I hate about it is, the people around you, who you love, you end up being kind of mean to them. Because you feel they don't understand. And it's a very wrong kind of thing." [We don't really "love" anyone, but we are for sure dicks to the people around us. ]
- "I want to say something funny, but I'm too busy going, O.K., what do I do next?" [It's hard to believe, but this is why we are so humor-free.]
- Greg has a hard time holding down a job. [Hello!]
- He spends his morning surfing the Internet for bizarre material. [Spooky!]
- Greg uses humor to manipulate people. [It doesn't ever work, but we try this too.]
- "I've got fucking tits." [We like fucking tits.]
- He makes his best friends cry. [See above.]
- He hangs around with retards. [See masthead.]
- He cannot leave his job at the office. [We cannot leave the office.]
Yeah, it's pretty clear: except for the whole rabid "abortion is murder" Republican thing (Greg once ate a piece of chicken because it may have been in Ronald Reagan's mouth), we pretty much are Greg Gutfeld. This is disturbing on so many levels. Does this mean we need to start watching "Red Eye" now? Okay, no. Even so, we're sorry about the mean things we said about Greg before. It was clearly a case of self-loathing.