"The day after I signed up, The 400 was able to get me three dinner reservations, all at 9 o'clock - which is the most desirable time - at three of the best restaurants in the Hamptons," says douchebag Upper East Side resident Andrew Rinaldi (who, you will be shocked to know, works on Wall Street). "If I wanted a Mercedes convertible - that's a car that goes well with a Hamptons weekend - I would call my lifestylist and say, 'I want that car. Make it happen."

Another satisfied douchebag is Arie, a 26-year-old music exec and 'tastemaker.' "I'm a very picky person. Tony is good at whatever," he says. "I have a white party to go to in the Hamptons. I'll have Tony go pick me up the illest white outfit... He'll be getting me a car too. Probably a Range."


But it's not all fun and games for the lifestylists themselves. Logan Rich, an employee of The 400, notes that the clientele is varied in its interests. "Some people are a red Mercedes; some, a limited-edition Maybach. Someone may love the beach, or the bay. Or, some people are pool people! Does your summer involve reading seven amazing novels? Or does it involve getting bottle service and seeing celebrities every night you're out?"

Well, Logan, our summer involves seething with impotent rage. But that's just us.

UPDATE: The article is online now.