"It's the ultimate reality series, the ultimate game show and the ultimate half-hour of intriguing storylines." How ultimate! We're intrigued! And then, suddenly— "The Ultimate Author is an awesome television program packed with entertaining, engaging and interesting events"—we're not. Seriously, can "Whose Paint Will Dry Fastest?" be far behind? The pitch is interesting, though, because of how poorly this wannabe-producer (a self-published author, natch) understands what it takes to be The Ultimate Author.

While an author's primary role is to create a literary masterpiece, they must also demonstrate that they can handle the responsibilities of The Ultimate Author. Contestants in this competition must be smart enough to spell well, creative enough to coordinate a themed book club gathering, savvy enough to handle an ambush interview, wise enough to develop an effective marketing plan, and talented enough to help design an eye-catching book cover.

Right, just like Michael Chabon. SIGH.

Also, you'll be doing yourself a disservice if you don't take the Ultimate Author Writing Challenge. ("Please mark an "X" next to the words that are spelled incorrectly. 1. Newstand.)

The Ultimate Author