This Week In Gawker Redundancies

You know who we would have liked to execute this week? Our fucking servers. But we couldn't, because they're inanimate objects. And they're already dead. (Zombie servers! Run!) In lieu of that, we've picked five of you who will now be escorted from the premises. Pack up your desks, here comes security.

Made Redundant: Johnny Awesome
Crime: Jealousy.

Made Redundant: Nurse Pornstein
Crime: Failure to understand the world's easiest joke.

Made Redundant: Tootie
Crime: Aberrant desires.

Made Redundant: Lock
Crime: Utter disregard for our abandonment issues.

Made Redundant: Awesomist VI
Crime: We missed ya, buddy! See you again in a couple of days.

Redundancies are just that: An HR-approved way to get rid of you while deflecting all blame and making you feel doubly victimized. It's not you—it's just that we don't need you any more. Y'all may check the Gawker Comments FAQ. It is also true that banned commenters may return through our invitation. The best way to receive such is to send us cookies (peanut butter, please, and not personalized) or charming and juicy gossip-filled emails.