Longtime Gawker readers are aware that I've been looking for a way out of here pretty much since the first week I took the job. Last night I had an idea that may just be my ticket out. In part, it was due to you guys; the intense response to the bubonic plague post, combined with my recent viewing of 28 Days Later planted the seed in my head. Zombie flicks are hot right now. I think I've got a special angle on the genre that will make me—and someone with the courage and funding to back it up—enough money that I never have to pretend to care about Conrad Black again. Intrigued? Of course you are. Read on.
My concept for the film is simple. Every 28 Days is a story about what happens when every woman in the world suddenly has their period at the same time. (We can come up with some scientific reason for this involving global warming and its effects on the tides; green is hot right now.) The film opens with lots of ominous shots of tampon boxes and Midol bottles, and the tension grows as we cut to various scenes of men suddenly being hectored or subjected to inexplicable crying jags and slammed doors.
The plot centers around a heroic group of male survivors who must make their way to Hershey, Pennsylvania, in order to find an antidote that will cure the "ragged" (which will be the film's jargon for those who have fallen under the curse). I'm picturing a Jake Gyllenhaal type (or, if you have the clout, Jake Gyllenhaal) as their leader, a man with a feminine side who is nonetheless intent on getting that chocolate lest his entire gender perish. (The scenes where various members of the party are picked off and infected—and let's remember, the black guy (Tracey Morgan?) goes first—will provide the light relief, but we want to convey the immediacy of the peril these men are under: Every woman in the world is having her period simultaneously save for a wise, post-menopausal character named Aunt Flo (maybe the lady who plays Aunt May in the Spider-Man movies?), who imparts some life-changing wisdom on the boys before being torn to shreds by a mob of angry raggeds for enabling the patriarchy. It's a story both men and women can relate to!
Obviously, there are a few details to work out, but let's be honest, with an idea this solid we can get some schmuck kid who just graduated from NYU film school and needs the cash to churn it out in a week or two. Listen up, bigtime Hollywood producers: I know you read Gawker. Who wants to be a fucking star? And get us the hell out of here? Step up.