Intern Alexis had Memorial Day off from doing Altarcations, in which, each week, the contestants (whoops! Celebrants!) in the New York Times Vows section are judged, but it doesn't matter anyway because we all knew who would win this week.

"'She was perched on the edge of a picnic blanket, sitting by herself, in perfect light,' the filmmaker Stephen Gaghan said, recalling his first sight of Minnie Mortimer at the pre-Oscars picnic that Diane Von Furstenberg and Barry Diller gave last year in Los Angeles. 'I watched her for two hours,' said Mr. Gaghan, 42, who wrote and directed the film Syriana. He knows his light." So begins the Vows column limning the nuptials of Standard Oil heiress Minnie Mortimer. And so it continues: "Mr. Gaghan approached her and spoke, and found himself talking about North Africa, as if the carpet they sat on was a flying one." Let's just skip ahead to the points-tallying! Without Alexis's guidance, we've had to create a new and highly idiosyncratic system, but we're pretty sure it will work.

Stephen Gaghan and Minnie Mortimer: 591 points

  • Bride is 26, the ideal age for marriage for a woman: +1
  • Barry Diller and Diane Von Furstenburg facilitated the couple's meeting: +20
  • Stephen looks kind of hot in this picture: +1
  • Minnie looks not only hot in that well-kept rich-girl way, but also very 'I submit to the will of my new lord and master': +3
  • Courtship was conducted via BlackBerry from Stephen's seat at the Oscars: +5
  • "In June, they met in Paris, where Mr. Gaghan was filming commercials; Ms. Mortimer was in Europe for the couture presentations. And then, like the music going quiet in a movie and a look exchanged, they decided to stay together." +20
  • Groom has two kids with an actress he never married named "Michael": -12
  • "The couple traveled to Biarritz to surf. 'We would surf three times a day, have a big lunch, eat moules frites, and go back, Ms. Mortimer said. And then, there was the light. 'It was incredibly cloudy,' Mr. Gaghan said of one evening the couple went surfing. 'Then the clouds dumped two-inch raindrops, and the silver raindrops are backlit. And Minnie drops into a wave and disappears — the biggest wave of the day. She pops up surfing this wave, just flying, with incredible courage. Then she's standing in the sand, holding her board, and behind her, from one end of France to the other, this rainbow appears.' Ms. Mortimer said: 'He just asked me to marry him, and I said yes. I went back home with him to Malibu, and we've been together ever since. I've never been one of those girls who dreamed of their wedding day. Everything changed when I met Steve.'" : +500
  • Wedding guests included Amanda Burden, Wes Anderson, Louise Grunwald, Charlie Rose, Jeffrey Wright and Ashley and Ogden Phipps II: +20
  • No mention of Minnie's sister-in-law Tinsley Mortimer! Was she even there? Anyway: +10
  • The bride's mother is an editor at House Beautiful: +2
  • Named "Senga": +2
  • "A dog got loose on the dance floor." +1
  • "The light": +20