Derek Jeter Gets Treated Like A Knick

The date: May 24th 2:30am
The place: 201 Park Avenue South
Sighted: Derek Jeter at the Underbar at the W Union Square. He was with a couple of dudes and about seven whorish looking women. They cleared out the bar and moved the furniture out of the middle of the room, we suspect for stripper-poles. As we were getting the boot, we saw a tall beautiful woman in a white blouse (who he had been chatting up for 30 minutes prior) stomp out of the bar and say, "I'm not a prostitute, I'm so out of here!"

As you may have heard by now, the Yankees are not so much with the winning this season. This issue becomes very relevant to us when sightings such as the one above begin to appear in our inbox. It seems that a Yankee team that is no longer good at the baseball is beginning to have far-reaching effects on our city's celebrity night-life culture. The Yankees slump has indeed reached Derek Jeter's pants.

One could argue, of course, that Jeter's ability to get laid has been trending downward for a few years. Back when the Yankees were winning the World Series with regularity, the man landed both a late-90's, less-crazy, more-hot Mariah Carey and a Miss Universe. More recently though, Derek has been dumped not once, but twice, for the former member of a boy band. And now this. Our own Derek Jeter being rejected by a non-celebrity simply for offering monetary compensation in exchange for sexual favors. Will the humiliation never stop?

There is of course an alternate theory. Perhaps this bloused woman possesses a certain level of self-esteem. Perhaps she didn't appreciate being propositioned by a good-looking sports star with a multi-million dollar contract and was simply interested in retaining her dignity. This theory is immediately disproved by Season 5 of "The Bachelor," in which we learn that women will do whatever it takes to land a sports star. Therefore we know that it is due to the decline of the Yankees that the ability of Derek Jeter to score has been severely affected. Hopefully that new Rocket they've got in their pocket can do something about this.

Previously: Are We Not Billy Crudup?