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With Lindsay Lohan safely chained to a solid-gold radiator at Promises Malibu and the orderlies assigned to her care instructed never to spike her delicious wheatgrass-and-ipecac detox smoothies with Bacardi, no matter how extravagant the bribe offered, all Lohan coverage for the next 28 or so days will probably be limited to recaps of the events leading up to this weekend's spectacular flameout or forward-looking attempts to discern What It All Means for Other Substance-Abusing Starlets Who'd Kill For This Kind of Media Attention, Even If They Have To Drunkenly Mow Down A Valet at Hyde To Get It.

Today, the NY Daily News has compiled a slideshow tracing the trajectory of Lohan's speedy descent from child-star innocence to 20 year-old rehab second-timer, from her first mugshot, to a wild night of chugging gateway cocktails (above) with some hard-partying friends back in Long Island, to the shocking image of the curb she murdered with her Mercedes SL-65 on that fateful early Saturday morning. Meanwhile, the LAT reports on how the Lohan incident could impact the Alcohol Beverage Control Board's ongoing efforts to infiltrate Hollywood's hottest nightspots with undercover celebutard-alikes (actresses who can "play 17," call your agents—they're casting now!); the Board hopes to end the scourge of underage, famous-person drinking before the always-calculating Dakota Fanning decides it's time to finally shake up her wholesome image by being caught stumbling out of Teddy's, stinking of high-end tequila and slurring nonsensical insults about Abigail Breslin.