In what is likely to be the last ever edition of Ad Hoc Altarcations, we see the Post's wedding section slipping ever closer towards gentrification. Over the course of five items, we are introduced to some consultants, some bankers, some Russians, and a couple who seemed honest until we learned of their address on the Upper West Side. Almost everyone met on the internet. Our winners, a secretary and a retired Marine now working in the police force, were chosen practically by default, and they represent a dying breed—one that we hope will repopulate the Post and restore the ecosystem once Gawker Weekend is off the beat.

Brian Goodwin and Monique Leigh

  • She is a senior analyst at Tiffany & Co.; he is a senior reports analyst at the Federal Reserve Bank of New York.-30
  • They met "on" (on the internet) -10
  • Monique has a firm grasp on weekend geistiness: when Brian showed up at her door on June 28, 2006 and proposed, she reportedly exclaimed, "But it's Wednesday! I thought people only get engaged on the weekends!" -100

Total: -140

Meaghan Nelson and Nicolas Onofrey

  • She works at a hedge fund; he works for medical consulting firm MBS/Vox. -10
  • Met at Georgetown on the first day of freshman year. Had their first date at the Kennedy Center in Washington. Got engaged there, too. +15 for a strong sense of personal history!
  • The groom says: "We really cemented as a couple when we decided to move to New York City together after we finished our master's degrees." Hm. The cement imagery is confusing. Lethem, little help? -40
  • Nicolas couldn't tie his bow tie on the day of the wedding, and he ran around 57th Street looking for help. This is a hilarious thing to do on your wedding day. +15

Total: -20

Hsin-huey Huang and Oscar Irizarry Jr.

  • He works at the New York Board of Education, "in food services"; she's "a boys clothing designer for The Children's Place." +10
  • They met when Oscar was a security guard in Huang's parents' buidling. "Hello." "Good evening," etc. +20
  • Married at the Episcopal Church of the Good Shepherd in Manhattan. Apparently overexcited, Irizarry went in for the big kiss a few moments too soon. This is a hilarious thing to do on your wedding day. +15
  • After the wedding, the couple ate a 12-course meal at Peking Park. +12
  • They live on the UWS. -30

Total: 27

Boris Muravchik and Julia Romanova

  • She's in college; he's a production manager at a Brooklyn auto shop. +5
  • They met "on the internet" (on the internet) -10
  • Boris proposed to Julie... in bed!!! +10
  • Both of them appear to be Russian, and according to the Post story, they're going over there pretty soon to have a second ceremony so the bride's parents can take part in the festivities. No mention of Boris's family, though. Does Boris have a family?! +15

Total: 20

Victor Cardona and Samantha Bajada

  • He's one of New York's finest; she's a receptionist at a law firm. +20
  • They met four years ago, over Memorial Day weekend, "right after Cardona finished a tour in Iraq with the Marines." This probably gave Victor some pretty good picking-up lines: "Hey, 'remember' me? You will," and other ones like that. +15
  • They got engaged in 2004, on a nature hike! +1.5
  • Their first child is due in a month. +10

Total: 46.5

And that's all, folks. Remember to stand tall for dignity and stare down the slugs when they come sliming up the drive. Here's an internet link to the Post's weddings section if you ever want to read it without us.