In this trying time of unjustly incarcerated heiresses, let us not forget what's truly important: the reporting of this weekend's box office numbers:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End—$43.188 million
After successfully wresting the record for "#1 Worldwide Opening of All Time" from Sony's Spider-Man 3 over the seemingly endless Memorial Day frame, Disney's Pirates 3 laid another smackdown on their rival, crushing Team Spidey's second-weekend drop-off of 50% with a 62% plummet of their own. Tomorrow, the studio will proudly commemorate this achievement in the pages of Variety, trumpeting Pirates as "The Summer's #1 Pump-and-Dump Blockbuster, At Least Until Transformers Arrives!"
2. Judd Apatow Presents Knocked-Up—$29.284 million
Comedy's Reluctant Mayor will announce later today his next hilariously filthy—yet ultimately touching—exploration of the ups and downs of family life, That Fight We Had About Who Was Going To Take The Girls To Their Fucking Ballet Class Because I Had A Really Important Notes Call With Universal, which is expected to reach theaters by the end of next summer.
Also: Knocked-Up was great, even after we feared we'd seen the entire movie in YouTube clips over the past four months.
3. Shrek the Third—$26.704 million
Good news: DreamWorks Animation ogre wrangler Jeffrey Katzenberg has indicated that there will be "only between seven and fifteen more" Shrek films, depending on how badly their non-Shrek offerings fare over the course of the next two years.
4. Mr. Brooks—$10,017,067
Having recently matched Ashton Kutcher and Dane Cook chop-for-chop, veteran Kevin Costner is seeking a new acting challenge, exploring the possibility of signing up for a buddy film with the underrated Wilmer Valderrama.
5. Spider-Man 3—$7.5 million
To answer Pirates 3's dubious claim to the biggest early-summer second weekend drop-off by the third installment of a blockbuster franchise, a Sony distribution executive will officially accuse Disney of underreporting its box office receipts in an attempt to prove that American moviegoers lost interest in their film more quickly than they did in Spider-Man 3.