Zach Braff Is Without Worth

The date: May 30th

The time: 11p.m.

The place: La Esquina, 106 Kenmare Street

Sighted: Zach Braff hanging out with an attractive petite blonde babe at the end of the bar at La Esquina

It's no secret that women with slammin' bodies and bitchin' faces love celebrities. Thus, it comes as no surprise that Gawker receives tons of reports that Zach Braff is surrounded by nameless "blonde babes" and/or Mandy Moore. What does, however, come as a surprise is why Zach is a legitimate celebrity at all.

Zach snuck his way into famousosity through Garden State, a tour de force which singlehandledly called a cultural truce between the I Heart Huckabees/Wolf Parade/Unbearable Lightness of Being crowd and those who list The DaVinci Code among their favorite books on Friendster. For a brief moment, hipsters laid down their iPods and douchbankers put aside their engraved moneyclips, and the world united to agree that this was a good movie. Zach Braff, celebrity and leading man, was born.

However, last time we checked, celebrities were supposed to be either a) Melania Knauss-hot with no talent (e.g., Enrique Iglesias, Jessica Alba) or b) downtrodden trolls with amazing skills (e.g., Paul Giamatti, Kathy Bates). But Zach Braff is neither hot nor exceptionally talented at anything other than repeatedly playing the same likeable shmo. The fact is, people who may or may not have been members of a certain person's Hebrew school carpool should not be celebrities, because now we're stuck with movies like The Last Kiss and that travesty, The Ex. If all that's required to be famous these days is a bulbous nose, weak chin and average acting chops, why don't we just go ahead and make everybody a celebrity? In fact, why not just rip up the Constitution?

People, the whole POINT of celebritydom is that into this society are born the Ubermensch—a celebrity race that are superior in every possible way to the rest of the world which is filled with despicable garbage. There's simply not enough room in the pantheon of celebrities for the likes of Julia Stiles, Yahoo Serious or Zach Braff. Life is too short to idolize unattractive actors with mediocre skills. We are only hurting ourselves and the future.