Casting 'The Emperor's Children'

Claire Messud's contemporary classic about class and family and creativity and pretension in New York City in the significance-laden summer of 2001 comes out soon in paperback! To celebrate, Emily and Doree had a long conversation about who would play what roles in their fantasy version of the movie. Casting directors should feel free to send them bouquets and thank-you notes. Also, this is much more entertaining than Balk's "ha ha, ladies have blood come out from between their legs" thing that he did that one time.

Doree: Let's start with Murray Thwaite, the evil self-obsessed bad father at the heart of it all.

Emily: Jeff Daniels!

Doree: Yes, because he played the same character in The Squid And The Whale.

Emily: He might need to gain a little bit of weight.

Doree: Do you think he'll resent being typecast?

Emily: I think he'll feel grateful that powerful Hollywood producers like us wanted him in the role!

Doree: Ok. And his wife? Annabel?

Emily: Blythe Danner!

Doree: She's perfect! She does that long-suffering thing so well! Now, Marina ...

Doree: If only Winona Ryder were like 5 years younger.

Emily: Or just aging better!

Doree: Although, she might not have the right presence. Emily Mortimer?

Emily: Not pretty enough.

Doree: You're right, she's like quirky-pretty. Liv Tyler?

Emily: That totally works! Cause it has to be someone who would NEVER be able to think "Oooh, I'm ugly."

Doree: I mean, in real life, Jeff Daniels would never be able to spawn Liv Tyler, but that's immaterial.

Emily: Blind casting! Like in my high school's production of Annie where Annie was black and Lily and Rooster weren't!

Doree: Danielle is tough.

Emily: Has to be a little ugly. Secretly-pretty.

Doree: It needs to be someone who looks like Lacey Chabert. I wish Jennifer Gray could go into a time machine.

Emily: She probably wishes so too. "Take me to the day before the nose job!"

If she had that option she would TOTALLY do that before, like, killing infant Hitler or whatnot.

Doree: What famous person is Jewily attractive? Rachel Weisz, but too old. Janeane Garofalo is not quite right. Oh! What about Ginnifer Goodwin?

Emily: Maybe she's perfect.

Doree: Give her a perm.

Emily: Not so Jewy, but the exact right body type.

Doree: Right: cute, but not hot.

Emily: I think she's hot, but that's sort of my type.

Doree: Haha. Lez.

Emily: I am embracing my lesbitude today. Don't feel threatened.

Doree: I'll try!

Emily: Uh so the weird fat cousin, what is his name? "Bootie"? I think it should be Rainn Wilson even though obviously he is 40 and not 18. I think he can still play 18 though! Filters!

Doree: And Julian is like impossible.

Emily: IMPOSSIBLE. That gaysian from Law & Order?

Doree: B.D. Wong? He's too Asian. Julian is only half Asian. And it's Vietnamese, so like, tan-ish?

Emily: Oh my god, I'm so bigoted. On like 3 different levels.

Doree: Are there any half-Vietnamese actors?

Emily: I'm sure there are many, but none that I know of. Let's move on to Ludovic Seeley.

Emily: Is that even how you spell it? I don't have a great mental image of him

I just remembered that he is British.

Doree: Australian, no?

Emily: Oh! right.

Doree: I kept picturing Nikola.

Emily: That's so ... odd.

Doree: Just because the name Ludovic sounds vaguely Serbian. And made no sense why he would be named that

Emily: Yeah, he's not a vampire at all!

Doree: Right? Is he supposed to be blond?

Emily: I think so yes!

Doree: I'm also picturing Draco Malfoy. We need an older Draco Malfoy.

Emily: Hold on ... imdb!!

Doree: Tool of casting agents everywhere.

Emily: Especially highpowered professionals like ourselves!

Doree: There should be a function where you could type in "older Draco Malfoy" and actors' headshots would come up

Emily: WHY DOES THAT NOT EXIST! "castingamovieinmyhead.com". That's how we make our millions.

Doree: Patrick Wilson! The guy who was in the Claire Danes commercial He has fans. From Broadway. Or so i hear. He's like, hunky though. I'm picturing someone more reedy. Jonathan Rhys Myers?

Emily: Oh! he is PERFECTION. Just the right ratio of sexy to evil!

Doree: He's got that evil look in his eyes.

Emily: Haha, yes. You OWE ME A COKE.

Doree: You want one?

Emily: Nah.

Doree: We're almost done! Ooh David Cohen. Josh Hartnett?

Emily: WAY too hot. I think it should be the guy from the episode of SATC where Charlotte is dating a guy who can't cum without saying "You dirty slut! Whore!" That guy!

Doree: But David is young.

Emily: Um I don't care! Are we done? Are we rich and famous yet?

Doree: We need a director.

Emily: Sofia Coppola is good at directing movies about rich people things, but I think it might be over her head, the Issues.

Doree: She's not a bad idea though.

Emily: Also she's best at impressionism. This shit is all about dialogue.

Doree: True. Whit Stillman?

Emily: DING DING DING PERFECT. Noah Baumbach if he doesn't work out.

Doree: Good call.

Emily: SAY YES WHIT!