Catering 2 U At The CFDA Awards

Live from the pages of The Underminer: The Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life, we invited everyone's favorite frenemy to chime in from time to time on various hot topics. That's right, The Underminer has a Gawker column now. But keep trying! You'll get one someday! You trouper!

Hey, you! Were you...

I'm sorry, but did I see you catering last Monday night? At the Council of Fashion Designers of America gala?

Sorry if I didn't say hello. I was just deeply in a conversation with Diane about the future of fashion.

Later on I think you came up and offered me a crabcake, but again I was in a very intense conversation with Jack McCullough and Lazaro Hernandez about staying focused on the work while being goodlooking so I hope I didn't seem rude!

That must have been a wet dream for you. Pouring champagne for Donna and Ralph and Thakoon. Because I know you have your little clothing line you are doing, right? Still? That is so great and amazing. You are just gonna stick it out and make clothes in this climate when everyone who doesn't have a name is either tanking or having to get Anna Wintour to pay for everything. Of course I am referring to that article in the Times on Thursday. It's like, if your name isn't Gwen or Sarah Jessica or Mary Kate or Ashley, then why bother, right?

I mean not that you shouldn't try. That's the American way. And maybe some weird Pussycat Doll will pick up one of your garments and throw it on. But, as a fashion investor (one of my side projects) and Eleanor Lambert's close close close friend, I don't have to tell you that things don't look good for the unknown designer. This fall, when you release your newest line, you will be competing with The Olsen Twins and their new clothing label, Elisabeth and James, SKJ's casual apparel, and Kate Moss's Topshop offerings.

And it's not stopping there. I have a hand in a number of new labels coming out, and we are all so excited about them. Later this fall, Anderson Coopers "Uptight" line is coming out: jeans, jackets, vests, and boxer briefs emulating his distinctive silhouette.

Then this winter, we'll be releasing Elizabeth Shue's tennis line, "Love," Cuba Gooding's resort wear, called "Cuba," and "Dirty on Top" by Lance Bass—dark earth-toned outfits for the straight acting gay man.

I'm working with Maroon 5 on releasing a very cool series of Starbuck barista outfits. Hats and polos with unexpected lines and inspirational quotes sewn into the collars.

Even accessories! Lesbian tie dye bandana headscarfs from Rosie O'Donnell, Rihanna's line of umbrellas... Oh! And Johnathan Adler, Padma Lakshmi and Cinnabons are getting together to make a whole kitchen line of aprons and oven mitts!

And perhaps most anticipated: Harry Knowles, the smelly guy from aintitcool.com, is coming out with body hair jewelry. It takes a while for him to grow it out, but he braids his hair into the most beautiful bracelets and necklaces. They have a real masculine edge, and are being bought up by the trendsetting men like Corbin Bleu and Orlando Bloom.

As for the denim market, hold on to your hiney, because here comes Mario Lopez's Bootie 5 jeans. Each pair has been specifically sewn by Mario, who works really hard at his sewing machine to make sure that each pair fit the contours of his delicious rump.

We were gonna do Lowrise by Lohan but that's on hold.

So there you go! How do I say this. Um. Well, if things don't work out and you max out all your credit cards trying to make a go and be an actual fashion designer, I could get you work designing for Lolita Davidovitch or Jeanne Tripplehorn, who are both DYING to get into the biz!

Just let me know.

See you at the next big bash. I promise I will say hi! Ha!