Broadway isn't all bright lights and standing ovations—even at the Tonys, the holiest night of the theater year. Though our mole prefers to remain nameless, we've got a lady on the inside and yesterday she forewent the Sopranos for the Tonys. Here's her report!

Number one: The fashion was a hot mess. Let's be realistic. Without Rachel Zoe, most young actresses would be donned in garbage bags and the Tony red carpet provided many a faux pas that was not far from resembling industrial cleaning supplies. The thing is no one looked terrible but no one looked superbly fantastic. It was a boring night in gownland. That said, the body on Julie White (who later went on to win a Tony) is so smoking she makes Madonna look like a truck driver. Once inside the theater, it was a celebrity traffic nightmare. Ethan Hawke, Bernadette Peters, Liev Schreiber with a very pregnant Naomi Watts, and he who must not be named. Tom Stoppard's "Coast of Utopia" won the most Tonys for one play in like all of history, and, oh, Billy Crudup was single. God help us all.

The gala afterwards was a snoozer. Free booze and some dry cuts of steak were semihighlights and not to mention strange table centerpieces filled with hideous Navajo jewelry—but seriously do theatergoers have no taste? Rivaling after-after parties were those of "Curtains" at Carmine's and "Coast of Utopia" at O'Neill's, the latter of which I attended. The most surreal thing about the party was that the Tony winners left their awards at the tables and on the bars for anyone to fondle. I guess if you can't share your Tony you shouldn't have it at all....

Claire Danes had a purple Grecian attempt at a gown. It was too loose fitting and tacky in a seventh grader way. I thought it would be awkward with her boyfriend Hugh Dancy there and Billy Crudup. Hugh's play, "Journey's End," won. I'm sure all three of them worked it out.

Zach Braff: What was he doing there? What on earth does he have in connection with the theater? He said he was a secret musical theatre lover. Ethan Hawke was with his girlfriend, who I think is a waitress. A little Grease-y but cute. Felicity Hoffman was very skinny. I guess in the end that the funnest part of the awards were the Puerto Ricans smoking pot outside the theater.