The Great Gay Train Snobbery

Eavesdropping on the gays is the surest way to find out what products and people are hot and what are not. This summer, Rod Townsend will record the gays in and around their natural environment of Fire Island and report back. All dialogue 100% verbatim.


INT. A LONG ISLAND RAILROAD CAR, EAST-BOUND
The afternoon train is crowded, with a mix of those leaving Manhattan after a long day of work and those that are beach-bound. The commuters read papers and magazines, sleep, and talk quietly amongst themselves, but one voice rises above them. GREENTWINK talks on a cell phone and sits on the window side of a pair of seats with YELLOWTWINK. Both are wearing what appear to be freshly pressed Izod shirts in the colors of their names. Both wear over-sized sunglasses with lenses that coyly reveal the movements of the eyes concealed within.

GREENTWINK (Speaking overly loud, as if on a bad connection.)
If you could just grab some sunblock at the Bliss counter at Macy's, I think I'd be set. If you're not sure which one, you call me.... If I think of anything else, I'll call you.... Oh my God! Can't wait to see you! You're going to be the most popular boy on the island!

YELLOWTWINK (Knits his sculpted eyebrows.)
How old is that phone?

GREENTWINK
Oh god, I know. I'm holding out for the iPhone.

YELLOWTWINK
Right? ...But have you seen the Prada phone? I saw it online today.

GREENTWINK
I don't know. The iPhone will have that screen that turns both ways and can play movies. Is the Prada phone just a phone or does it at least have a mp3 player?

YELLOWTWINK
Mm. I didn't read the article, just saw the picture.

YELLOWTWINK looks up as SALMONTWINK passes in the aisle. He wears a salmon-color deep-vee American Apparel tee shirt. After SALMONTWINK passes, YELLOWTWINK wrinkles his nose, making a "what's that smell" face.

YELLOWTWINK (CONT'D) I haven't seen that color. I have that shirt in yellow and white.

GREENTWINK
That color is off though. I'd like it in pink. Do they sell a pink?

YELLOWTWINK
I think so. But everybody is starting to wear them.

GREENTWINK
That sucks.... So I think I'm going to get the iPhone.

YELLOWTWINK
But it's first generation. Mac's not good for first generation things.

GREENTWINK
But this pho-one! I ha-ate it! So-o much!

TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENT
This station is Bayshore. The next station [Garbled].

GREENTWINK
Did he say Sayville? We're next right? I think we're next. (He squeals.) You're almost there! I want to jump in a cab so I can go to Stop & Shop and grab some things. We won't miss the ferry. Promise.

YELLOWTWINK
My bag is so-o heavy.

GREENTWINK
I hate my bag. I need a new bag.

BOTH leave their seats to stand near the door as the train pulls into a station.

TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENT [Garbled] station is Islip. The next station is Great River.

From a distance, GREENTWINK can be heard speaking over the announcement.

GREENTWINK Local. The train is going local? O-oh.

YELLOWTWINK
My bag is so-o heavy.