Christina Aguilera's Husband Is Huge

The date: June 8th 2007

The place: 147 Mercer Street

Sighted: Christina Aguilera and her husband walking out of the Mercer Hotel. She got right into a limo waiting outside and left her husband to put her stuff in the trunk. He is clearly her bitch.

No one ever said being a celebrity was easy. Sure, a quick glance at the Stalker Map might lead one to believe it's a charmed life, what with all the leisurely spring afternoons spent sipping cocktails at restaurants about the city while the rest of us sit in our fluorescent-lit prisons as the bitter rage at our station in life grows by the second until someone as unimportant as Zach Braff sets off a spewing geyser of raw emotion that can only be stemmed by pretending he doesn't exist in our world. BUT, actually, there are a few drawbacks to being famous. One of which is, if you're Christina Aguilera and you decide to marry someone who looks like Jordan Bratman, people are going to point out that your husband is ugly. Cruel? Yes. But so is life.

Now, there are only two reasons the celebrity woman pairs herself with an ugly mate. 1.) Billions of dollars (e.g., Ronald Perelman and Ellen Barkin). 2.) Musician status and/or penis size. Tommy Lee has the gift of both, and, though there is no photographic proof, Richie Sambora most likely does as well. Lyle Lovett is reputed to have a gigantic dong, and he got to marry Julia Roberts.

Based on the above sighting, and countless, gushing interviews about Jordan's over-the-top displays of affection, it would appear the man is operating under the assumption that Christina married him because he "treats her well." A quaint notion. This, along with "he makes her laugh" may matter in your standard, civilian, hot lady-ugly man pairing. But we're talking about celebrities. People who, through some deficiency in parental love, have chosen to spend their lives searching for acceptance from an appearance-worshipping general public. Bottom line, Jordan is wasting his time. She married him because of his tangential relationship to the music industry and his big man-part.

He should do himself a favor and start treating her like crap. So what if she's pregnant? She can carry her own bag.

Previously: Zach Braff Is Without Worth