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Kristy Swanson and Lloyd Eisler have escalated their attacks against Eisler's ex-wife, Marcia O'Brien, whose assault claims against Swanson during a child-visitation exchange gone awry led to the actress's arrest in Canada on Friday night. As the former Law & Order Anna-Nicole-channeler lists her wounds, her double-Lutzing boyfriend insists to Extra that it's the woman he abandoned while eight months pregnant with his second child who is the real villain in this international domestic incident:

About her injuries, Swanson says, "I have two little ones [scratches] here; I have one on my knee. Then I had a gouge on my back....It's still sore."

Eisler adds, "There was never a time when Kristy put her hand on Marcia, never touched her. So, it's very strange to me how I get charged and she ends up with a black eye."

We'll assume Eisler was speaking for Swanson, because he has yet to "get charged" with anything. (At least in relation this matter—he was suspended from coaching after he "allegedly sent inappropriate emails to a 15-year-old female skater.") For those who require further clarification on the matter, the couple offers their extremely lengthy version of events. It's heartening to see that chivalry is not entirely dead, however, and that the blind trust one must place in one's televised celebrity skating competition partner carries over to long after the reality TV cameras have turned off and the arena Zamboni hums to life.