Dead Larry King Deserves His 'Privileges'

The date: June 14th
The time: 8 p.m.
The place: Spring Awakening, 230 E. 49th Street
Sighted: "Last night I saw Larry King at Spring Awakening, accompanied by his incredibly tall trophy wife. The guy needs to do his roots more often, at least every two weeks, because the gray is showing and its not looking pretty."

Every morning, nearly all of us non-celebrities are woken up by our foreign adopted children, take our ineffectual AIDS cocktails, greet our repulsive wives and/or husbands and then go to church or temple to worship the wrong god. And this is fine, because this is the short, nasty and brutish life into which we were born. But life is different for Larry King (nee Ziegler), who, though dead, gets up, greets his triple threat country singer/model/actress spouse Shawn Southwick and his 5 white children from 6 different sizzling wives, thumps his quintuple bypassed heart, and goes to work 7 days a week. What's his secret? Principal Secret? Possibly. But the more likely explanation is that Larry King, like all celebrities, has access to things not available to the rest of us downtrodden trolls.

Beyond the $100,000 awards show "swag bags" filled with diamond encrusted cameras and gift certificates for "cosmetic procedures," celebrities have access to countless other special privileges. While proletariat losers slog through the adoption process only to get piece of shit Chernobyl babies, Sheryl Crow and Sharon Stone snap their fingers and get 100% white American ones. Furthermore, while we waste our hard-earned dollars on (PRODUCT) RED iPods, Magic Johnson apparently already has the AIDS vaccine. And despite having to hoist his penis up with suspenders, Larry King has somehow managed to bang and impregnate a hot wife well into his 70s—a privilege not available to the masses. But why them and not us?

The bottom line is that the world's treasures should only be bestowed on deserving individuals. And who is more deserving than celebrities? Magic Johnson was a great basketball player who deserves to be cured of god's curse for promiscuous sex. Tom Cruise has given us Cocktail and The Last Samurai and therefore deserves to know the secrets of the world's only true religion, Scientology. And finally, having spent a lifetime interviewing people that matter, including Liz Taylor and Mary Kay Letourneau's husband, Vili, Larry King has earned the right to bone a hot wife well into the grave. You and I haven't done a single goddamn thing worthy such precious gifts, and as long as we continue to lead ignoble lives in the shadow of celebritydom, we will continue to die of AIDS, surrounded by dumpy spouses and foreign children, and denied by Xenu at the gates of the Galactic Confederacy.

Previously: Christina Aguilera's Husband Is Huge