One of the best things editor Tony Ortega brought to the Village Voice from his previous job at the Broward-Palm Beach New Times is the story of D. Bruce McMahan, the 65-year-old dude who married his daughter in Westminster Abbey and who used to work with Jeffrey Epstein. The original reporter Kelly Cramer follows up in this week's issue of the Voice. with a profile of Elena McMahan, Bruce's fifth (non-blood-related) wife. We've pulled out all the good parts for you. And by good we mean really gross.

  • "It was at the Pelham house that Linda claims her father first began seducing her, in 1998. She testified that they had sex for the first time in a hotel in London that year on a business trip, and that they carried on an incestuous relationship practically up to the day she married another man, Sargent Schutt, in 1999. After breaking off their affair for a few years, Linda testified that it started up again when McMahan brought her to Fisher Island to recuperate after an illness."
  • "Most gruesomely, Schutt discovered a vibrator in Linda's luggage after one of her trips to Fisher Island, and had it analyzed for DNA. The sex toy tested positive for Linda's skin cells, as well as the sperm cells of her biological father."
  • "According to Linda's testimony, it was the most intense time of a years-long illicit relationship with her father. Beyond simply having sex, she claimed that her father wanted to keep her away from Schutt, her legal husband in Mississippi, and wanted to formalize their affair. In June 2004, after purchasing Cartier wedding rings, Bruce and Linda flew to London and had some kind of ceremony performed inside Westminster Abbey, took photos outside like any other newly married couple, and then began referring to each other as husband and wife in their e-mails."
  • "Because McMahan keeps his wife locked out of the home's main wing, she can't show us the study and bedroom where, Linda testified, he seduced her by showing her the first half-hour of the movie Braveheart and wondering if the two of them had been married in past lives."
  • That line works? We are so adding it to our game. Fathers, lock up our daughters!

    Daddy's Dog [VV]