The Boys In The Band Are In AA, Weight Watchers And AARP

Live from the pages of The Underminer: The Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life, we invited everyone's favorite frenemy to chime in from time to time on various hot topics. That's right, The Underminer has a Gawker column now. But keep trying! You'll get one someday! You trouper!

Hey! I am so glad I got a chance to see you perform with your crazy Dad band! Wow that was fun! That was just fun! Really fun! You are like the newest sensation on the Kips Bay music scene! Ha.

I got here right at the end. I had a hard time finding the bar. Did you see those people clapping for you? Did you see me put money in that little hat they passed around? Even the twenty year olds who walked in accidentally stayed for one song!

What a great time for you to start a Dad Band! Did you learn your licks from one of those Weekend Warrior courses they were describing in that Times article?

It's so neat that you put together a band with your older friends, you know, in your off time from your REAL jobs. You must feel sort of validated, if you will, by that article. It's good to get back and just make music, pretend you are a rockstar, which I know was your DREAM when we were in college, because it will keep you from getting too bitter and hitting your wife.

Above all, it's so good to see you onstage. It's like your personal Make a Wish Foundation, except you don't have cancer, probably, except maybe just the very beginnings of prostate cancer but who doesn't, and you aren't a child. But you look SO happy to be there. Your smile seems bigger. Or maybe it's your face? I just mean like you reminded me of Paul McCartney while you played. I mean in the way you looked all happy, not necessarily in musicianship, no offense to you, but you know, he's like a virtuoso and all. I was lucky enough to catch at his private show in London last week. He's still got it.

Also you must be SO inspired by younger people who are actually really making it. I think of you and then I immediately think of someone like Beth Ditto, and how similar you are.

No, no reason. She just reminds me of you. Of your style. Your, um, spirit.

Anyway yay! You've really hit the ground running! Full steam ahead!

Listen. Can I just talk to you seriously for a moment? I know that this little side project band thing is really a big deal for you, but I don't want you to, you know, compromise yourself. I know how rock n' roll can tempt you to go down that dark path, like it did in college.

I just know what the indie rock lifestyle can do. I've seen what it can do up close. Because I, as you know, was Jeff Buckley's secret lover. And not exactly a friend but a close close close acquaintance of Kurt's. And, I was one of Elliot Smith's supportive, non-drug dealer friends. Why is why he left me his catalogue in a will he scribbled onto a copy of Raygun. How I miss him. And that magazine. And our woozy, drug addled, passionate indie rock youth. I should really make a documentary about it. I'm gonna just text a note to myself to call Sheila Nevins tomorrow. There.

Anywho, thank the Lord that many of my successful songsmith pals are alive and sober now. Like Chan, and of course, Ryan. Sweet, troubled, stormy Ryan. Everyone credits his dumb girlfriend for his recovery, which is fine, and I don't mean to sound like I'm so great or anything, but to tell you the truth it was me who actually REALLY got him to put down the needle. I just went over to his apartment, barged in, wrenched his works out of his hands, stroked his tattooed forearms, put my hands around his cute little pumpkin-shaped head and said "Stop Ryan. Just...stop..."

But what a career, right? Even when he was drooling over his acoustic guitar in a speedball induced blur, he was making incredible music! You should find that inspiring! See? This may really be your time!

No I'm not saying you need to clean up or anything. I'm saying you are pre-sober. Like Amy Winenouse! But maybe just cut down on the drinky-drinky a bit. And the pot. And, you know, maybe take a brisk walk in the morning just to get some exercise.

See you can think of this cute Dad Band as the perfect way to give yourself some grounding and structure. That's what you needed all along...a project! A nice project that has no risk of going anywhere...or being anything other than what it is: a fun band! Really fun! Yay! It fills up that empty void! Ha ha! Yay!