All The Easy 'Evan Almighty' Headline Puns Were Used Up In Friday's Poor Reviews

As invigorating as an hourlong, cold Monday morning shower following two sleepless days of binge drinking, your weekend box office numbers:

1. Evan Almighty—$32.112 million
Many words have already been written to point out that Evan Almighty, The Most Expensive Comedy Story Ever Told, suffered a disappointing™ opening that fell far short of studio expectations, having failed to draw the, ahem, flood of Christians they so actively courted.

But despite this setback, Universal is hardly abandoning the religion it recently discovered; they'll not only continue to pray for a box office miracle that will keep Evan from becoming the biggest-budgeted bomb of the summer (visitors to the Universal Studios theme park will be able to witness the spectacular sacrifice of a hundred fatted calves at noon today), but will move forward with plans to complete their Trinity of Almighty films. Finally realizing that an Old Testament story heavy on expensive effects might not be the best way to reach the Christian crowd, they're turning to cinematic savior Judd Apatow to rescue the franchise with Jesus Almighty, an edgy-but-heartfelt, character-driven, smaller scale comedy about a woman who finds herself unexpectedly pregnant with the Messiah following a night of heavy drinking, despite having spent her post-bender evening completely alone.

2. 1408—$20.175 million
Free of charge, our contribution to the pool of pullquotes that will adorn 1408's various advertisements this week: "Easily the best John Cusack horror-thriller set in a hotel or motel since Identity."

3. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer—$20.150 million
This morning's fun fact about the FF2 cast: Chris Evans is a real actor, and not just an alias Freddie Prinze, Jr.'s agents concocted to get their client high-profile movie work.

4. Ocean's Thirteen—$11.345 million
This will definitely be the best George Clooney-related headline of the day: George Clooney Shows His B-Ball Skillz For Amnesty International. He's sporty and selfless!

5. Knocked Up—$10.636 million
See above re: smarmy joke about Universal's future plans for their Knocked Up writer/director.