In the end, CNN Grand Inquisitor Larry King did not, as we'd briefly dared to dream, douse himself in lantern oil and set his body aflame during his much-anticipated post-incarceration exclusive with Paris Hilton, as tantalizing as the prospect must have seemed after about thirty seconds of lobbing his softballs in the heiress's direction and watching them disappear into a dead-eyed abyss.
Despite the expected lack of revelation (kudos, Socialite Crisis Management division of Sitrick and Company!) about Hilton's prison ordeal, we re-learned much about the embattled former inmate: she suffers from ADHD, still wants to open a halfway house where her cherished Lynwood sisters can receive the seaweed wraps and hot stone massage needed to ease their transition back into society, and has never—not once—taken drugs. ("Never taken drugs?" asked an atypically skeptical King after a denial indicating she's might not be sure what constitutes a "drug.") But in the one profound failure of her painstaking preparation for the appearance, Hilton, whose jailhouse conversion and self-guided study of Scripture have been well-documented, inexplicably could not call to mind her favorite Bible passage, even after briefly glancing at the notes where a scribbled lifeline reading BIBLE QUESTION: SAY YOU LIKE THE ONE ABOUT THE PEOPLE WITH SINS AND THROWING THE FIRST ROCKS AT THE WHORE. She'll be ready to knock that one out of the park when Hasselbeck brings it up on The View.