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Just moments ago, internet-based celebrity toxicology-analysis firm exclusively revealed that Lindsay Lohan, whose extended imprisonment at a minimum security Malibu facility has been unfairly overshadowed by an attention-whoring rival's brief, court-ordered vacation in an unfashionable part of town, may have been under the influence of alcohol and drugs during her Memorial Day Weekend joy ride:

According to multiple law enforcement sources, toxicology reports conclude that Lohan, 20, had "nearly twice the legal limit" of alcohol and traces of blow in her bloodstream when she crashed her 2005 Mercedes SL-65 convertible into a curb on Sunset Blvd. around 5:30 AM on May 26.

If "traces of blow" (curiously, the exact technical term used by L.A. County toxicologists) were indeed present in Lohan's bloodstream, there is a perfectly logical explanation for their discovery in the tests: Following a previous, allegedly booze-fueled accident in front of the Ivy, Lohan's handlers had a Cokelyzer-controlled ignition system installed in her Mercedes, guaranteeing that that the vehicle couldn't be started until she'd ingested enough of the narcotic to help counteract the reflex-dulling effects of any cocktails she'd consumed, which could dangerously hamper her ability to speed away from unimpaired paparazzi pursuers.