After last week's sorry dereliction of duty, Alex Blagg returns to his post as the man in charge of mocking the folks in the party photos from Misshapes and Last Night's Party. It's so nice to have you back where you belong! Also? It's Blue States Lose!
10.Misshapes. June 9th, 2007 photo #001: You know how when you've been on vacation for awhile, and you return home to this pleasant feeling where all your stuff feels new and exotic, but comforting and familiar at the same time? That's sort of how I feel right now, having taken a week off from hipster-bashing, and Crazy Eyeball Guy being the first I find upon my return.
9.Misshapes. June 9th, 2007 photo #030: This guy should have his own video game. Level after level, he blasts through downtown bars, laying waste to all those who don't "fucking rock", and searching for the elusive youth he lost when Quiet Riot broke up back in eightywhatever.
8. Last Night's Party. One More Day photo #9981: How many hints is this guy giving us that he's the most unbearable, obnoxious human being one could ever have the misfortune of meeting. So when it's 3 in the morning and you're stuck in a corner listening to him babble on about this "crazy idea he has" for a sculpture made completely out of used tampons, you have only yourself to blame. It's not like he didn't try to warn you.
7. Misshapes. June 9th, 2007 photo #081: And now for the story of the creation of Williamsburg's Bedford Avenue. One day this dude was just chillaxin' over at his boy's house, bemoaning the unavoidable reality of work, when last night's Pabst and pizza binge finally demanded a furious movement of the bowels. He found a quiet spot in the bathroom, opened up a 6 month-old copy of Nylon Magazine, and took a most unholy crap, something so putrid he swore never to speak of it again. But we shall, for that crap became the same Bedford Avenue we all now know and loathe.
5. Last Night's Party. One More Day photo #9900: This may be the most difficult case of "Hipster or Homeless?" that I've ever encountered. The busted up teeth imply a kind of poverty that hinders even the most primitive personal hygiene efforts. The dog tags necklace could either be a trendy fashion accessory or a means of identifying the body of a Vietnam vet when he finally dies in the streets. And the old Bulls t-shirt might just as well be something he found in a dumpster, or something he paid thirty bucks for in an overpriced vintage store. Wager your guesses, but this one could really go either way.
4. Last Night's Party. Gaylords photo #8159: While this isn't particularly hipster-related, it does always make me chuckle when I see these clubby bimbo types go for guys who've clearly modeled their entire persona after the character "Turtle" from Entourage. I bet their conversations are funnier than anything you'd ever find on television.
2. Last Night's Party. Gaylords photo #7879: You know those "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service" signs you often see in restaurants? Well in New York they should say, "Retarded Pink Hair, Liberally Applied Glitter Make-Up, Off-Putting Gender Issues, No Service." Sure it's a little discriminatory, but you try making your way through a plate of Pad Thai while this thing slurps curry and makes loud "Mmmmm!" moaning noises every ten seconds.
1. Last Night's Party. La Drague photo #8772: Do not click the link leading to this picture. Seriously, you guys. We're friends, right? Well my conscience would never allow me to expose a friend to what lurks behind that link. You'll probably click it anyway, but I really wouldn't if I were you. Especially if you're at work. Or sentient.