'Post' Columnist Has Constructive Help For Virgin!

Andrea Peyser goes back to the well to milk one more column out of Herb Shaw, the bulky virgin from Yonkers who has probably kept Kleenex parent company Kimberly-Clark afloat single-handedly. (Hahaha, get it? We're saying he has to touch himself!) The new slimline Herb has yet to turn in his V-card, but not for lack of options: Herb, reports Andrea, has had a number of suitors, but, for whatever reason, "Herb has beaten them off." (Hahaha, get it? Now she's saying he jerks off a lot.) A disappointed Peyser offers some advice to the semi-buff virgin who clearly haunts her dreams.

At least his mother, who freaked out at the onset of Herb's virgin fame, is talking to him again.

"She cooks food, and I eat it."

Maybe you should try eating out?

Hahaha, get it? Andrea's saying he should use his tongue on or near the ladyparts of potential bedmates so as to gently manipulate their region.

POWER VIRGIN [NYP]