Pete Wentz's Bar Is Full Of Dicks


In the real New York, bar bathrooms serve as fitting rooms for trying on potential pairings, an all-important step before making that one-night commitment. Luckily for us, Slut Machine has been around all the blocks. In this occasional column, she rates which restrooms of N.Y.C.'s watering holes are best for non-traditional restroom activities. It's liberating watching someone express her sexuality so wholeheartedly!

When I read Angels and Kings investor Jamison Ernest's comment about how he hopes people will have sex in his new bar's bathrooms, I couldn't help but view it as a challenge.

I waited a little bit for the brouhaha of the newly opened 11th Street "dive bar" to die down first. Although I have to admit that I did think of popping in to "AK 47" during those six days or so when people were actually still going there, because I was entertained by the idea of leaving the bathroom, post BJ, and pushing past Ashlee, being sure to brush my saliva/cum/ball-must hand against her extensions. Don't get me wrong, I love Pieces of Me as much as the next drunk girl, but you know, I'm also a cunty whore.

Actually, more than anything, I was interested to hear what the staff at the bar thought about bathroom debauchery. Here's the bouncer:

The pretty boy bartender wasn't nearly as nice when we tried to film him. In fact, he was a total penis wrinkle about it. And you know what? I'd bet dollars to donuts that he's an aspiring actor/band member. Here's the permalink of your missed 15 minutes, buddy. Anyway, I was like, "So do you think that Ernest's and Wentz's comments in the press have brought in a lot of riffraff to this place?"

Bristled and arrogant he said, "Riffraff? This isn't like the other bars I work at. Lit gets riffraff. This place gets kindergarteners." I looked around the room and the only other people in the entire bar were two middle-aged couples talking quietly. If it weren't for their salt and pepper hair, I might've thought that pleated khakis were the new irony trend.

"Are those the kindergarteners?"

He stared at me, so I pushed on. "Are they Pete Wentz's 'loser friends?'"

"I have to get back to work," he answered. He walked down to the other end of the bar and stood motionless, arms crossed, staring at nothing in particular. He's lucky he was out of my reach, or else I would've wiped my hand on him.

As far as the actual bathrooms go, they're clean and roomy and I'd have to say that they're great for doing anything, really. Correction: It's sort of dim in there—lit by a candle and a red bulb—so I wouldn't plan on reading the paper while taking a dump. But it was so dead in that place that you definitely could be leisurely doing whatever it is you need to do and not worry about anyone knocking on the door. There's a little wooden end table to place your bag, compact mirror holding a line or two, or yourself, if you don't want to get your knees dirty while you're gettin' dirty.

I give this john 3.5 out of 4 Ds.

Pete Wentz's Bar Is Full Of Dicks