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Too squeamish to attend the Captivity premiere party that After Dark Films provocateur Courtney Solomon recently promised would be so debauched that it would likely bring about the total collapse of Western Civilization ourselves, we dispatched unshockable Defamer Special Correspondent on Looking Into The Eyes of Evil and Laughing Nick Malis to Privilege last night, hoping that he would emerge from the ritualistic promotional flaying with enough of his sanity intact to file a report on his experience. Luckily for us, he did survive the ordeal, though not without some psychological scarring associated with prolonged exposure to a carefully coordinated attempt to offend his sensibilities. His report follows, along with a link to our photo gallery of the event (which you can skip to by clicking here, if you're the impatient type.)

If you're wondering why all the hardware stores in LA were sold out of electrical tape, it's because much of it was stuck to the nipples of the models at the Captivity premiere party last night. That's right, I was lucky enough to be on the list for this little shindig at Privilege, and I was curious if After Dark CEO Courtney Solomon could deliver on his New York Times promise to throw the most outrageous bash ever. So did he? In a word, no. The whole thing gave off a distinctly opening-credits-of-Mindfreak vibe, with plenty of leather and piercing to go around. But it came off as silly and forced, not dark and scary. Consider these ghastly delights:

* One girl was chained to a spinning table while another girl pretended to whip her. Shocking!

* Suicide Girls roamed the party wearing little besides the aforementioned electrical tape. My delicate sensibilities!

* Greased-up Bikini clad ladies wrestled each other. Oh, the horror!

* A "needle play" booth, where some guy stuck pointed quills into the backs of willing victims. Mildly disturbing!

* Dave Navarro wearing a tight tanktop. Okay, that actually was scary.

The best part of the evening was watching all the open-collared agent/producer types try to hit on the Goth chicks. I've never seen so many Bluetooth headsets and leather corsets in one place.

However, the most-asked question of the night: Where were the celebs? The biggest star there was the fat guy from Borat. You know things aren't going well when the Bai Lings and Traci Binghams of the world don't show up to your party. Elisha Cuthbert couldn't even be bothered to attend, and she's the freakin' star of the movie!

But so what if the Captivity party wasn't the Grand Guignol display everyone had hoped for? There was still an open bar and girls with electrical tape on their boobies. I, for one, will take what I can get.