Hats off to whatever prankster slipped this past the gatekeepers at Slate's advice column:

Dear Prudie,

My daughter is 5 years old and has, like most girls her age, a hamper's worth of stuffed animals. While she has her favorites, she constantly wants more and usually connives to get someone (read: her grandparents) into procuring a new one every couple of weeks. The new one immediately becomes her favorite and she must sleep with it every night and haul it around half the day. My question is: Does this behavior indicate she'll be overly promiscuous as an adult, or at least unable to commit to a single partner?

—Perhaps Overly Worried Father

It's a funny question, but on the very rare chance that it is real, we had a consultant take a shot at it.

Dear Perhaps,

Yes. I've met many a woman who swears that she'll pat my pretty pony for the rest of my life, only to be completely abandoned as soon as a new Care Bear comes down the pike. This slut is going to be tickling Elmos all over town, particularly if they offer to buy her fries first.

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Sincerely,
My Cock

Dear Prudence [Slate]