Dear Gawker University Student,
We regret to inform you that your performance this semester has fallen well below the lofty standards we set for those who attend our institution. I'm sure you remember your first class, when Professor Sicha uttered those immortal words, "Look to your left. Look to your right. One of those people will not be graduating with you. Eww, probably the one with the bad hair!" Unfortunately, your behavior during yesterday's lecture was the final straw: You are one of those students who will not be completing your education with us. If you're on the list below, please turn in your ID card to your dorm's R.A. We wish you the best in future endeavors at less prestigious universities.
Titanica, your baffling insistence that all academics need look like Harold Bloom represents the worst kind of cattiness masquerading as feminism.
Thugster, your obvious lack of comprehension of the material suggests that you'd be better off in a less demanding institution.
BetteNoir, while we've admired some of your work in the past, but your derision for the long-overdue expansion of the discipline is profoundly anti-intellectual. Also, Zen and the Art of the Celebrity Blowjob would be a great book.
Superba, the hallmark of Balk's parodies is a lack of any actual useable information. You clearly haven't been doing the reading.
Coco Jin, the suggestion that your professor slept her way into her book contract is deeply offensive, especially coming from someone who is actually proud to label herself "this member of the U of MN press' stable of authors."
Trix-Are-For-Kids, we're disappointed in your lack of reading comprehension.
While we're sorry to lose you as students, you'll find that the potential for expulsion was made clear in your acceptance letter. Perhaps once you've taken some time off and thought about things you'll consider re-applying. A strenuous self-critique might aid your chances for readmission.