Live from the pages of The Underminer: The Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life, we get visited by the ghost of subtly bad friendship past and future. Maybe your underminer is a lover, or a friend, or a yoga teacher, or an employee! Maybe it's us!
Dane! Dane! It's me! Hey how's it goin' dude? Excellent, excellent!
Shit, I haven't seen you in ages. Man you are really becoming a huge deal. You are so bloating up.
Ha, No I didn't. I said BLOWING up. Blowing up. Chill out, my most talented old friend.
Damn, I don't blame you for being touchy. You've been through so much the past couple of weeks, what with all that talk about you.
Fuck, I am so RELIEVED you denied those rumors you were gay. It's such a good thing you cleared the air. I mean of COURSE I didn't think you were gay.
I mean not GAY. You know, maybe sometimes you got a little funny in the showers at our dorm in college. I mean, doesn't everyone get drunk and end up teabagging their roommate once or twice?
And then there was that time after the DMB concert when you got wasted and made everyone play that game you made up, Anus Wars.
Whatevs. All that doofy messy stuff we did back in school doesn't mean anything. It's just good old college fun. Adrian Grenier and I were just discussing this last week! Who really knows what you like or what is good and worth your time in college, anyway? Ha, you should ask your predominantly college-based audience.
It's all good, it's all good.
I look at it this way. You are FUNNY. And everyone knows that gay guys aren't funny. I mean, can you name a popular gay guy comedian? None. Zero. That's because they aren't funny! Making fun of them is funny, or acting like them, or just saying something "gay" is funny. But gay guys? Not funny.
You're right though. Being called gay is like a rite of passage in Hollywood. Just think: Steve Martin, Chris Rock, Dave Chapelle—there's no buzz about THEM being gay but there is about you! Your career ROCKS!
Anyway, you don't even look gay, you know? In your distressed tee shirt and leather wristband and boyish spiky haircut that conceals your counter clockwise hair whorl.
I mean don't those faggots who started all those rumors listen to your material? You talk about going on dates and how having a relationship is a 'relationshit' and how chicks always win fights and talk to their girlfriends about everything! Man, you really know women! Ha! It's uncanny your knowledge of the female psychology.
But, um. Can I just offer you a really really small suggestion, man? You know that "SuFi" hand gesture thing you do? Well, Oh never mind.
No, well it's just that it almost looks like how gay men position their hands when they are preparing to fist someone.
No! It's not obvious! It's not a big deal! Totally keep it. No, really, seriously forget I mentioned it.
But anyway, I'm really glad you are straightening the public out. Dispelling all those rumors.
But, what about the rumors inside?
No, I just mean, maybe you kind of have some internal rumors you are gay to yourself? Maybe the rumors that you like cock aren't from somewhere else, but started within yourself?
Just something to think about, on your next Tourgasm.
Maybe you should just really do some heterosexual things to more convince yourself that you are straight as well as the public, you know? Like maybe you should just go headbut Andy Dick a couple of times. Or do some parkour! Or get in drag and play a woman in a film musical! That's totally heterosexual!
Alright Rock on! Catch you soon...