Tonight, tens of thousands of happy New York children will stay up past their bedtimes, lining up at bookstores for when the final "Harry Potter" book is released at a minute after midnight. But how safe will they be? Cross-referencing the list of local Harry Potter parties with the sex offender registry, we can reveal that these children will be surrounded by literally dozens of baby rapists and other offenders! Is no place safe? Actually, yes, some place is! We've identified the safest New York-area place to take your child tonight. The answer may surprise you!
Barnes & Noble Astor Place, 4 Astor Place, New York, NY 10003.
The East Village is surprisingly kiddie-fiddler light. But the Bowery's still got it going on—don't march your kid down to the Whole Foods else little Ashley or Gingerly get nabbed!
LEGEND: The little white boxes with the x's are just schools, don't be alarmed. The red boxes are where the folks who offend against children live; yellow and white are rapists; blues are for the sexual batterers, and green are "other offenses."
Books of Wonder, 18 West 18th Street New York, New York 10011.
Books of Wonder will feature live owls at their Harry Potter party! It will also feature a statutory-rapist free environment!
Community Book Store, 143 7th Avenue, Brooklyn, NY 11215.
As you can see, the Park Slope book store sits in a relatively molester-free oasis. But don't go around that park! Shriek!
Toys "R" Us Times Square Toy Store, 1514 Broadway, New York, New York 10036.
Maybe you should take a cab to Toys 'R' Us, particularly if you're going along 43rd Street. And make sure you tell little Goldman that that big man really isn't Dumbledore.
Borders Book Store, 680 White Plains Road, Scarsdale, New York 10583
And now we know why people move to the suburbs. As long as little Dillinger and Pembroke and Halliburton don't go up to White Plains or down to New Rochelle, they'll have the happiest, most undisturbed childhoods imaginable. Unless Harry Potter dies!