Moviegoers Pronounce 'Chuck and Larry' Delightful, Fake-Gay Fun For the Whole Family!

Through the Darkness of yet another Monday morning comes the Light of hope: the weekend box office numbers:

1. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry—$34.775 million
At multiplexes all over the country, satisfied audiences have emerged from I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, the uplifting story of two firefighters who commit fraud to take advantage of domestic partner benefits, with a newfound tolerance for heterosexuals who pretend to be in committed, gay relationships for comedically expedient purposes. The telltale sign of those whose attitudes have been changed by the progressive work of Adam Sandler and sitcom bear Kevin James is the quick exchange of a same-sex kiss immediately followed by mutual right-crosses to the jaw, a display of affection that says to a cherished bro, "I would totally pretend to be gay for you if that resulted in the correction of an unjust, pension-related bureaucratic snafu! Especially if I got to bone Jessica Biel!"

2. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix—$32.185 million
Perhaps the scene that most poignantly illustrates that the Potter franchise is unafraid to tackle the problems of young adulthood is the handling of Harry's first, much-anticipated kiss with Cho Chang, an intimate milestone that is cut short when the excitable wizard's wand spills forth its magic too readily after a prematurely cast Celer Ejaculonum! spell. But humiliation is avoided when Cho reassures Harry that now-deceased fling Cedric Diggory suffered from the same problem, soothing Potter's bruised feelings.

3. Hairspray—$27.8 million
John Travolta's obsessive attention to the details of his transformation into the iconic Edna Turnblad seems to have paid dividends, as exit-polling revealed that 63% of moviegoers found the superstar "completely convincing" as "the most terrifying post-op Baltimore housefrau ever seen in cinema."

4. Transformers—$20.506 million
In lieu of lingering too long on the $262 million domestic gross that Transformers has collected since opening, spend some time reloading Bay's Chinese Mtime page to see some truly dramatic banner photos of the director practicing his craft.

5. Ratatouille—$11 million
Not that you asked, but this has been our favorite movie of the summer so far. (Though we expect it to be displaced by Rush Hour 3—Chris Tucker still can't understand any of the words coming out of Jackie Chan's mouth! Hilarious!)