All The Sad, Embarrassing Things Britney Spears Did At Her 'OK!' Cover Shoot

Britney Spears' three-part comeback plan (Phase One: Stage a series of buzz-building, 12-minute concerts. Phase Two: Chew on hair extensions, neglect children. Phase Three: Personally arrange to sell triumphant comeback exclusive to celebrity glossy!) has hit a major snag, as an OK! magazine cover shoot reportedly devolved into a tragic display of anatomical self-discovery, public urination, and couture-sullying pooper-scooping. Laineygossip.com reports:

[New puppy] London pissed and shat all over the place. And who picked up the poop? Britney picked up the poop...allegedly mopping it up with a Chanel dress. A Chanel dress. [...]

Britney allegedly wanders around babbling like a baby - as in baby talk. Half the time her head can't stay straight, lolling around on her neck like a bobble. I'm told she also has no boundaries and allegedly, several times, when she had to pee, even though one of the washrooms was being used as a staging area, she would drop trou and make a tinkle WITHOUT CLOSING THE DOOR and an entire crew working around her. [...]

The girl allegedly can't stop touching herself. As in fondling her breasts, rubbing between her legs...She apparently goes about it absent-mindedly, as if not aware she's not alone and at the same time, genuinely curious about her own body, described to me as "like a 5 year old discovering her genitalia for the first time". Allegedly of course.

While conventional wisdom would suggest the disastrous P.R. op—which OK! is reportedly planning on running as is—could spell the last gasps for any sort of Spears career comeback, we'd suggest the opposite: Unlike Avril Lavigne's trite tongue-piercing and flashing of devil horns, nothing says authentic punk-rocker like rubbing puppy-shit on someone's else's Chanel gown before diddling yourself in the makeup chair. By adjusting her trademark sound to incorporate heavy feedback and dirty needles as a recurring lyrical motif, the Courtney Love-shaped hole in the pop landscape might finally be filled.