Lindsay Lohan Might Commit Suicide, Says 'Expert'!

We just received an email with the ominous subject line, "Lindsay Lohan May Commit Suicide." It didn't seem to be from the TMZ publicist—they always know about these things!—so we were skeptical, but it turns out that the Christians might know even better than TMZ. That's right: Lindsay might commit suicide because she hasn't yet found Jesus. You heard it here first. The press release in all of its Godly glory follows—but first let's say thanks to TMZ for their 22 (OMG, now it's 23!) 24 posts on Lindsay today. This morning, we predicted that they'd only produce 21!

Lindsay Lohan May Commit Suicide

Hollywood, CA
- Christian counselor Mark Dice fears that Lindsay Lohan may commit suicide to escape the feelings of emptiness in her soul.

"She has shown a pattern of escapism behavior to fill the emptiness in her soul, and I fear soon she may turn to suicide to escape the pain of life" says Dice.

"What Lindsay really needs is Jesus. She needs to read the Bible and find out who she is and why she is here. There is a vast black hole in her soul which nothing else can fill. No expensive rehab facility. No jail sentence. No family or friends. Only Jesus can fix what's wrong" Dice explains.

"I am asking her friends and family to contact me and coordinate a time when Lindsay can go to Church with me and we can both sit down afterwards and talk about what's really happening with her. I can give her answers and solutions that few in her circle of influence can" Dice insists.

Mark Dice largly credits his 'Pray for Paris Party' held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on June 5th as the reason Paris Hilton found God in jail, and is now focusing his prayers on Lindsay Lohan. Dice is a Christian author and pop culture critic focusing on morality and social trends in relation to celebrities.

Mark Dice is a Christian author and pop culture critic focusing on morality and social trends in relation to celebrities.

Yes. That went so well for Paris. See you in hell, bitches!