K-Fed Determined To Save His Children Before Britney's Dog Poops On Them, Too

If there were any lingering doubts as to whether Britney Spears was a pop star significantly past the verge of a nervous breakdown, they were answered at her now infamous OK! magazine cover shoot, in which the celeb glossy—having witnessed their subject perform a number of highly inappropriate acts, including the defiling of designerwear with a combination of fried chicken grease and lapdog droppings—was forced to compromise their "nice" editorial voice by splashing the unflattering photos across their pages. Spears' former pimp/fertilizer Kevin Federline is now reportedly seeking full custody of his children:

A longtime Britney pal says, "[A former Spears assistant] gave specific instances where Brit couldn't handle having the kids. Kevin was angry at Britney for putting his kids in jeopardy and immediately phoned his lawyer to investigate the claims further. He couldn't believe she had gotten so out of control."
Brit's cousin is planning on providing specific instances to help give full- time custody to Kevin and finalize the divorce from Britney.

At this time, Kevin's legal team is redrafting the divorce settlement to include her recent public and private problems and has already contacted Britney's lawyers to set up a meeting.

The OK! spread could help make a compelling case for the father as sole custodian, as no adjudicator could in good conscience allow for the nightmarish scenario in which K-Fed discovers his two sons wandering through the overgrown grass of their mother's untended estate, swathed in week-old soiled diapers clumsily fashioned out of safety pins and the barely recognizable remains of a Zac Posen sun dress.