Hello there, liberal arts college grad! Until we started doing this monumental search for annoying colleges, we had no idea so many of you lurked among us, spreading your pansexual, drug-experimenting, free-thinking ways so insidiously! When this all began, we were just looking for a college we could generically insert into posts that made fun of Williamsburg residents, since Oberlin was getting tired. In our search, early favorites Bard, Vassar, and surprise write-in Swarthmore (general impression: everyone's really smart, but still really annoying) all soon fell to the towering giants of Liberal Arts College Annoyingness: Wesleyan and Sarah Lawrence. And that's where our death match came in, and why we've finally decided to bestow an honorary degree on one, very special, Liberal Arts College. It's one that is near and dear to all of your hearts, we're sure. And that college is...
Not Sarah Lawrence! We've consulted the poll, and yes, Sarah Lawrence technically beat out Wesleyan by (at this writing) 1873 to 1733 votes (or 51.9 to 48.1 percent). And it's true, Sarah Lawrence is really, really annoying—this comment seemed to sum up some of the reasons why:
We have a love your body run every september in which people who choose to (never the ones you hope) run naked around the quad while spectators have cocktail hour on the lawn. Did we forget to mention "sleaze week" where you can take workshops or pornography, dental damn usage and the female ejaculation? oh yes. The finale of which is the friday night sleaze ball which, my sophomore year, turned into a weird dominatrix s&m show that was so alarming it caused me to go to my room and shudder until dawn. Oh an the next day we had Mayfair—a little kids carnival for children from the neighborhood. Sinister
Oh, wow, that's pretty annoying. But! Whatever! We're invoking executive privilege, and awarding the crown to Wesleyan, which we have to admit was probably our personal favorite all along, except maybe Bard, which we continue to find really freaking annoying. Not that personal preferences had to do with any of this. Really. No, it was the email that we learned was circulating, like a case of herpes at an SLC orgy, among Sarah Lawrence alumni:
I'm a student at Sarah Lawrence College. Uh huh, that one. The person you assume is posting this. I think Scary Larry should win for one simple reason. I have received emails from groups of students and alumni, spanning four decades of attendance, in the last 24 hours who are proud to be in the running for America's Most Annoying Liberal Arts College. That's right, they are psyched about the possibility of winning. Yes, Sadie Lou has a long tradition of rebelling for rebellion's sake. This is no exception. Sure there are other countless reasons why SLC should win, most of which I am too ADHD to remember, but this is the reason I like the best. We'll wear this title with pride. This is why us liberal artsy brats so richly deserve to win the contest you've entered us into. Thank you.
Oh NO THEY DIDN'T. We're calling this one for Wesleyan, on account of electioneering, voter fraud, ballot box stuffing, probable cache-erasing, and any other dirty election tricks we can think of. Really, Sarah Lawrence? Let's just hope Barbara Walters (SLC '53) doesn't find out about this.
So, congrats, Wesleyan. Your graduates will forever be known not for their naked parties, or their stints in a alterna-frat, or for chalk, but rather for beating out Sarah Lawrence on an annoying technicality to be named America's Most Annoying Liberal Arts College. We'd like to be the first to offer you the complete library of Hélène Cixous, this funny hat, these vintage thick-rimmed glasses, and this lease on a McKibbin Street loft as your prize. But we can't. You'll have to live that horrible life on your parents' money all on your own.