Being Lindsay Lohan


Not since the advent of local news station KABC7's patented RichieTracker7000™ have reality-simulating tools available on the internet enabled us to immerse ourselves in a virtual world in which we can experience the defining moment of a troubled starlet's life, but this afternoon, the combination of AccessHollywood.com's Lindsay Lohan timeline map and TMZ's streaming audio feed of the 911 call that led to Lohan's DUI arrest allows us to once again disappear into the Celebutard Matrix. We recommend that the weak of constitution not attempt to follow the map and listen to the audio at the same time, as the psychological overload of becoming unstuck in time along the Lohan Self-Destruction Continuum while being anchored to the present by the anguished voice in the 911 call could result in a fatal aneurysm.