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With the simultaneous release of covers stories trumpeting the plight of Britney Spears' two young sons [Ed.note—Weren't there three at one point? Maybe she left one in the Bellagio on her last trip to Vegas. Pls. research.] in progressive-parenting journals Us Weekly and Life & Style, an air-raid siren has been sounded at the headquarters of California Child Protective Services, and a van full of baby-repossession officers immediately dispatched to the Spears residence to investigate explosive charges of infant over-juicing, toddler teeth-whitening, and high-end real estate squatting.

Should the harried mom be unable to adequately defend her parenting skills during the home visit, Sean Preston and the other one will be sold off at auction, a radical—but far more humane—option than turning over full custody to their biological father.