Casting The Remake Of 'Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls'

That classic film, whose recent DVD release sent shockwaves of ecstasy through the blogaysphere, and whose writer Roger Ebert described it to Time as "a camp sexploitation horror musical that ends in a quadruple murder and a triple wedding," should obvs, obvs never be remade. Because it's perfect! But just in case! Here are our casting suggestions. Isn't "socialite" Olivia Palermo a dead ringer for (spoiler alert) doomed, lezzish ingenue Casey Anderson? It's eerie! Come with the gentle people to the rest of our suggestions after the jump. In the long run, you'll be glad you did.

Casting The Remake Of 'Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls'

Can't you just imagine Good Day LA host Jillian Reynolds (f/k/a Jillian Barberie) huskily uttering Ashley St. Ives' famousest line: "You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on sometime"?

Casting The Remake Of 'Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls'

Spotlight-craving social-type Genevieve Jones would make a great Petronella Danforth, and we're so not saying that out of pure tokenism!

Casting The Remake Of 'Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls'


And come on, who would make a better lead singer for the Carrie Nations than Lindsay Lohan? Kelly MacNamara and Lindsay look more like sisters than Ali and Linds ever will.