Or, at least, how to sound like a local idiot! As we prepare for this weekend's journey to the Hamptons, the life lessons are already piling up. First of all—did not know this!—one doesn't go "up to the Hamptons," one goes "out to" them. This is, you see, because of their geographic location! Still, whatever, you don't actually wait on a line (or even in one). And Moses didn't actually go south to the Pharoah's land— scholars agree he probably went north-northwest. Anyhoo, we still wanted some advice. We sat down with a regular Hampton-goer, who requested anonymity. We'll call him the Noam Chomsky of Amagansett.

Joshua David Stein Question: Up to the Hamptons? Out to the Hamptons?
Noam Chomsky: OUT, always out. Because you're not going north. Not even close
JDS: OK. Is that an issue of derision? Like if I went out there and said it's my first time "up in the Hamptons," I would hear sniffs and guffaws?
NC: Don't say that!
JDS: I won't! I won't! Just doing some preliminary research.
NC: Out to the Hamptons. But ON the east end. As in, "We're on the east end this weekend."
NC: Also, at the beach. Not in the beach. But do aggressively generalize all of the Hamptons with THE BEACH.
JDS: In the beach? That is silly.
NC: I've seen it happen. Q: Where are you going this weekend? A: Oh, just the beach.
JDS: You are un tresor!
NC: You must make it look as effortless and casual as possible. Otherwise we'll know you're trespassing.
JDS: Oh and beachwear? Board shorts or speedos?
NC: Depends on the beach.
NC: That's not really true.
NC: Board shorts.
JDS: Ah. OK, I'll expense a pair, cuz all I got is these:

How Not To Sound Like An Idiot In The HamptonsS