"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." "Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins." "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." "It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen." And now, unaided (her publisher claims) by a ghostwriter, one of America's most beloved television actresses has contributed to that list the following:
"Kate stood frozen in her bathroom doorway, bracing herself for the inevitable, the unavoidable, the potentially painful moment dreaded by women everywhere: the morning weigh-in."
Was it just her imagination or did the scale actually seem mean this morning, like the mechanical version of a popular yet cruel sixth-grade girl? Maybe it was the ungodly hour of the morning (4:30) or the fact that she hadn't had her coffee yet (or the resultant weight-reducing "release"), but she could swear that the scale seemed friendlier yesterday.
"For the love of God," she whispered to herself. "Calm down. It is only a scale, only a silly number." Unfortunately, she had "only a lingerie scene" to shoot today and whatever the scale said would soon be reflected on the camera, and then on television screens across America for all of re-run eternity. Taking a deep breath and holding it in (in the faint hope of creating an "airier" self), Kate stepped on to the scale and watched as the small digital screen computed her weight, body fat, hydration level and probably her credit score.
Oh shit, shit.
I'm not being sarcastic: this is promising, people. Much better than the first page of The Starter Wife, for one thing!