Brett Ratner's Billion Dollar Week

· You cannot deny the Eighth-Wonder-of-the-World majesty of Billion-Dollar Director Brett Ratner's prodigious talent. You can only hope to fellate it.
· The View clutches Whoopi to its heaving bosom. Don't feel bad if you didn't know; it was easy to miss. Former gab-bags Star and Rosie greatly look forward to the day when they don't have to talk about this shit any more.
· Ironic that grubby thief Lindsay Lohan, who never met a car she didn't treat like an armored tank, should be getting life advice from the stars of License to Drive.
· NBC's Ben Silverman loves toxic relationships.
· Maybe Nicole will even get Paris's old cell. It'll be just like a slumber party but with worse snacks. Guess she'll start gaining the 40 lbs. after she's out.
· Calling all actors with no self-esteem: This won't actually help, but your therapists will thank you.
· Pssst, Osama: He's in Australia!
· Wait, someone's actually relying on Michael Bay to clarify a story? Don't they know that's not his strength?
· Now Britney can neglect her kids without all those pesky divorce lawyers calling all the time. Plus: Ron Obvious joins staff of Us Weekly.
· Nice try, Jenna Jameson, but you missed the money shot this time.